Love: Bittersweet

Love: Bittersweet

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

-Adele

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and felt “in love” with that person? Then the relationship ends, for any number of reasons, and there is sadness and heartache. Then down the road you meet someone who takes you to an entirely different level of love. Only then does it occur to you that what you thought were feelings of being “in love”, couldn’t have been feelings of being “in love”; because what you are feeling for this new person is so much deeper, so much more raw, so much more real than anything you have ever experienced before. This, this feeling, this is the real deal. This is what love stories and fairy-tales are made of.

As it turns out, these relationships end too;  and when they do, you experience the same depth of pain and heartache as you did/do with the love you feel for this person. This is an excruciating pain unlike anything else you’ve ever felt. It will bring you to your knees, it will make you feel like you are dying the worlds slowest and most painful death, and it will make you wish for death just so you can get some relief from the unbearable heartache. The pain consumes you, it controls you, the suffering seems never-ending, and it feels like you’re suffocating underneath the weight of it all. 

What follows are pieces of a letter I wrote. I wanted to share these pieces of the letter because it expresses the raw emotion of my heartache, it expresses the reality of the process I went through, and it expresses the beauty in all of it. I have never laid my heart and soul out so vulnerably and unabashedly on a public forum before, but for some reason, I feel compelled to do so now:  

“Our time together was one of, if not, the most beautiful, wonderful, excruciatingly painful times in my life. Until I met and fell in love with you I had no idea what it was to love someone so deeply or to be so deeply loved. I had spent years building walls and protecting my heart and, in a relatively short period of time, you tore those walls down and showed me how amazing opening my heart could be. This was the best gift I had ever received. I had never experienced a love like the one we shared and I am convinced that I will never love anyone to the same depth as I loved you, nor do I think it possible for anyone to make me feel as deeply loved as you did. What we had together was a once in a lifetime love.”

“My heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces and I’m certain that those million tiny pieces were each shattered into a million more tiny pieces. I thought there was no way I would or could ever get over the heartache, the loss, I was sure there would be no end to my grieving.”

“Through all of the happiness and heartbreak, you taught me what it is to love; to love wholly with every bit, every beat of my heart. Through the overwhelming love and the excruciating pain, you taught me love, kindness, and compassion. You softened my sharp edges, you inspired me to be a better person, the best version of myself, you were the first person to really believe in me, and certainly the first person to make me feel wanted and lovable and worthy of love.”

 “I have realized a strength within me that I had no idea existed, and I credit you, at least in part, for my realization of that. I am learning everyday who I am, who I want to be, and who I am becoming. I am slowly, very slowly, learning to love myself (apparently people do that, and it’s a healthy thing to do). I’m not quite to loving myself entirely, but I like myself and I love who I am becoming. Without you, without us, our good, bad, and ugly, I would not be where I am today. I’m not yet to where I am going, but I am finally on the right path.

So, with all of this said, I want to thank you. Thank you for loving me so very deeply. Thank you for letting me love you so very deeply. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for teaching me a million little things throughout our relationship. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your gentleness. Thank you for your generosity throughout our relationship. Thank you for your inspiration. And lastly, thank you for breaking my heart; I have learned more about myself due to that heartbreak than a lifetime could’ve ever taught me.

One last thing before I end this letter. I forgive you. I wholeheartedly forgive you. I feel like I can’t stress this enough…I forgive you! And from the bottom of my heart, I wish you happiness. My hope for you is that you are truly happy in life. I hold no negative feelings for you in my heart. In fact, you hold a very special place in my heart and you always will. I ask that one day, if you haven’t already, you will be able to forgive me. I am so sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you.”

“With Love and Forgiveness,

Dani” 

I keep hope in my heart that I will find a love this great or greater again. The world is full of possibilities. For now, I will continue to fall in love with myself.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

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