I thought of you today, we were 4 years old;

you so innocent and carefree, laughing and playing;

and I was so confused and scared, why was this happening to me?

---

I thought of you today, we were 6 years old;

you tucked in bed all safe and sound;

and me filled with fear, curled up in a ball under a blanket.

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I thought of you today, we were 8 years old;

you, working a lemonade stand with the neighborhood kids;

and me being touched by yet another boy, why is this happening to me again?

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I thought of you today, we were 13 years old;

you, just waking up at a slumber party with your best girl-friends;

and me, running as fast as I could, terrified he was following me, how was something like this happening to me again?

---

I thought of you today, we were 16 years old;

you, talking with your parents about potential colleges you’ll attend in a couple of years;

and me, talking to my parents with the one 5 minute call I get a week in juvenile detention.

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I thought of you today, we were 17 years old;

you, making holiday arrangements with your high school sweetheart;

and me, in a van on a very dark gravel road in the middle of nowhere knowing very well that even if I said no, he would take what he wanted. What have I done so wrong that this keeps happening to me?

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I thought of you today, we were 18 years old;

you, filled with joy, excitement, and pride in your high school graduation gown;

and me, eyes filled with tears and heart filled with regret, sitting in the stands watching my class graduate.

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I thought of you today, we were 23 years old;

you, completely in love and planning your wedding;

and me, having an affair just 3 months after my commitment ceremony to the person I would spend the next 7 years of my life with

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I thought of you today, we were 34 years old;

you, celebrating 11 years of married bliss with the love of your life;

and me, my heart shattered in a million tiny pieces and each one of those pieces shattered in to a million more tiny pieces because the love of my life had to end our relationship.

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I thought of you today, we are 37 years old;

you, a successful therapist, wife, and mother of two;

and me, I’ve been seeing a therapist for 2 years, I battle clinical depression, adult ADD, a touch of anxiety, codependence, recently realized I had a drinking problem, I’m single, no children, not even a pet.

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I thought of you today, and what life could’ve been;

you, are me in a different life, you don’t exist in this life;

and me, I’m the survivor of our life, learning to thrive in spite of the adversities we’ve been dealt. I’m learning to live as and love our true-self.

Throughout my life I’ve often wished for your life, but I know now that I am exactly who and where I’m supposed to be in life.

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This is my life; I’m going to own it!

Never give up on you! You are worth it!

With Loving-Kindness ♥