I suppose I should start by saying I am not one who cries often. I’ve never liked to cry. I don’t like crying in front of people because I am not one of those beautiful criers, I am a mess when I cry and that’s not something I care to show anyone. But I don’t really cry often when I’m alone either. I don’t see it as being a weakness; I really have no idea why I do my best to not cry…ever.
That being said, there are times when it is completely out of my control. My therapist has a knack for getting my tears flowing. Even with her I fight against them though. I let her know that I am not impressed when the tears flow in session. She assures me it’s ok. A while back she told me that when I do cry to let them come, to let them flow until I have cried them all out. This has been very difficult for me. My first instinct the second I get that “pre-cry” lump in my throat is to shut it down.
Onward with the post…
Last night I was in my kitchen, making dinner, when out of nowhere my eyes welled up with tears. I had zero control over it. They just started rolling down my face. I was confused as to why I was crying. Why at that moment? What was going on in that moment that caused me to just start crying out of the blue? I was making dinner, I didn’t really have any thoughts in my mind (that I was aware of). I started my efforts to stop them, to shut it down. Then I thought to myself “Let them go. Obviously your body, mind, and soul need this. Don’t fight it, just let them fall.”, and so I did. The whole time confused as to why I was crying, but doing nothing to stop it. I let this go on for several minutes, preparing dinner through tears, wiping them away with tissue frequently (I have the largest, fastest tears). I wasn’t sobbing, but I definitely had a steady flow.
As they were flowing down my face, I began to allow myself to gain an awareness of my thoughts and emotions; there must’ve been a reason for my tears. Then it hit, like a ton of bricks it hit, I felt alone. Very, very alone. As these thoughts and feelings ran through me the tears began to flow more rapidly.
It was as if, in that moment, I was coming to terms with pieces of my life. Pieces I would never have control of. It was a pivotal moment of reality, a reality I’ve always known, but never allowed myself to have a full awareness of.
I have no idea what this means going forward. Was this a life changing moment? Will this change how I respond and react to things in the future? Will this change my understanding going forward? Will this change my outlook? I don’t know yet. But what I do know is that I have a clearer awareness of it and I let myself cry about it (even though I didn’t understand at first). I let myself feel it. I let myself think about it. I let the realization sink in, at least for that moment.
And in that moment, for that moment, I understood the importance of letting my tears go; letting them fall, fall like rain, without resistance.
- Dani ♥∀