You still cross my mind every day. And every day when you do it brings a smile to my face and an ache to my heart.
You’ve been on my mind and in my heart a lot this week. It seems every where I go you are there; in a song, in a movie, in a memory, in a word, in a scent. Just the other day I stumbled across a photo of you on my computer. I could’ve sworn I had removed them all. I must’ve caught you off guard when I took the picture because you were making a “not so impressed face”, it made me laugh.
There are certain times of the day that remind me of you. There are certain times of the year that remind me of you. I can’t enter a coffee shop without thinking of you. I can’t go to the Mall without thinking of you.
Every once in a great while I will be out and someone will be wearing your perfume. I always scan the room to see if you’re there. Part of me hopes you will be there while the other part prepares for heartache if you are there.
I miss you everyday. Time has helped, but there is still heartache. I’m not sure that it will ever completely be gone. And how could it be? How could a love with such depth not cause everlasting heartache?
I’ve had feelings for a couple others since then, but nothing that compares to even a fraction of what I felt for you. A kiss is just a kiss and a touch is just a touch, if it is not yours.
When I allow myself to think back, to experience those feelings again; the slightest touch of your hand against mine brought my entire body to life. Your kiss did things to me that are indescribable. No one has ever caused those feelings in me and I am convinced no one ever will. Those feelings were defined by you, they are for you, and they belong, only, to you. I know that you know what I’m talking about, we were both there, we both felt it.
The moment I met you, I knew there was something about you. Something I was drawn to, a connection of some sort. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. The moment I met you, I met my soulmate. That was the connection I felt with you. I know you felt it too, because you fought for me.
You used to tell me “another time, another place and things would’ve been different” I understand the decision you had to make and, as you know, I hold no anger or resentment for you because of it. I will never understand, though, why we were brought together; to fall so deeply in love with each other (against all odds), for it to feel so right when so much of it was so forbidden, just for us to be torn apart. For our hearts to shatter into a million tiny pieces. We fought so hard to remain friends but the constant denial of our true feelings for one another and my inability to accept your denial of feelings for me nearly destroyed us both.
Star crossed lovers seems to be the closest description of our relationship and yet it doesn’t come anywhere near describing the heartache we’ve suffered.
I gave you my heart and you gave me yours; when we tried to return them to each other we both held onto much bigger pieces than we meant to. To this day I have no idea how to get it back. I gave it to you for a reason. I knew what I was doing when I did it.
It’s said that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. There is not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for having loved you and having been loved by you. If anyone were to ask me what the greatest love story of all time was, I would tell them Ours.
I made your heart sing and mine danced to its song.
I hope somehow this post finds you, and if it does, I hope it finds you well.
To the moon and back,