I’ve been a bit off all day. I woke up feeling pretty good and proud of myself for going to bed at 9pm and sleeping until about 5:30am. As the day went on I progressively started to sink into some sort of weird funk (this isn’t terribly uncommon, but I can mask it well).
I’m tired, not necessarily lacking sleep tired, but emotionally exhausted. I don’t do the things I want and need to do. Instead I watch shows/movies on my laptop or surf the web. I don’t even blog much anymore. It’s like I have nothing to say. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me that continues to hold me back. I’m alive but I am not living.
When I get home tonight, instead of sitting down with my laptop for another couple of hours, I am going to sit with myself. I’m going to give myself the time and attention I clearly need to figure out what is standing in my way. I dip in and out between my functional adult, my adaptive child, and my wounded child. Lately my functional adult seems to be taking a back seat more often than I would like. I need to figure out why the other two are in control, how to get them in the back seat, and bring my functional adult to the drivers seat. If you have an understanding of these three roles then you more than likely have an understanding of how incredibly difficult this can be.
My hope is that if I allow myself to be open with myself, to be kind, patient, and gentle with myself, that I will let myself in so I can begin to process through whatever this is. So rather than listening to guided meditations I am going to sit in silence with myself and reflect on what it is I am feeling and why. Then I can bring that to my wonderful therapist and with her guidance I can process through it.
I can’t stay here, I need to get back up.