Yesterday I saw the love of my life for the first time in quite awhile, Anejo, the horse who stole my heart. I had been looking forward to seeing him for several weeks…
I might be getting a little ahead of myself:
I know I’ve written about him in previous posts, but I don’t recall if I’ve explained how he came into my life. Anejo is one of my therapist’s horses. Outside of being what I would describe as the most wonderful and amazing “talk” therapist, she also does equine therapy (if you’re not familiar with this type of therapy, Google it, it’s pretty cool). She is how I met Anejo, the only guy who has ever stolen my heart at first sight.
People who are very close to me, and some readers may have also picked up on it, know that I have a large supply of insecurities and a pretty massive fear of rejection. Couple insecurities and fear of rejection with a belief of not being good enough or worthy enough and you get the wounded child, adaptive adult version of me. I avoid, disconnect, disengage, distract myself, and whatever else it takes to not have to feel or face my insecurities, rejection, not being good enough or worth enough.
It shouldn’t come as any surprise that I was filled with anxiety the first time I met the horses. In fact the first time, I didn’t even interact with them at all. I was in a very unhealthy emotional state the first time. It was some time later when my therapist brought me back out to them. I can’t recall if I met Anejo the first time or if she even had him the first time. I do know he was there and I met him the second time. As scared as I was, I connected with Anejo and he seemed to connect with me. I saw him a few more times after that, not really any less fearful of rejection than the times before, but I was getting a little more comfortable with him. It’s so strange to want to connect and engage with him and to feel love for him but yet be so afraid of being rejected by him (Jesus Christ, I think I just summed up my entire life in that sentence).
…As I was saying, I had been looking forward to seeing him for several weeks. As I approached the driveway yesterday I could see him; he was so handsome. I had mentally prepared myself for seeing him. I told myself I was going to engage, I was going to connect with him, I even knew the first thing I was going to say to him when I connected with him again (that’s between him and me).
However, insecurities, fear of rejection, feelings of not being good enough or worthy enough took center stage and I couldn’t bring myself to go to him. The other horses connected with me, but only because they came to me. I didn’t connect with my (our) boy yesterday. My time, my opportunity to connect with him had run out for the day. My therapist gave me plenty of opportunity to make the connection and I let it pass, leaving myself disappointed with my inability to act, to connect. I know I will have another chance next session, but I had a plan. I had set a goal for myself. I told myself that this time I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way, I was going to connect and engage with him because I wanted to, I had missed him for so long and I was finally going to see him again. I let myself down. It was like I had set a boundary for myself and once again I failed to meet.
What gets in my way? The easy answer is me; I get in my way. But it’s more than that, it goes much deeper than the easy answer. In order to get myself out of my way I have to dig deeper for deeper answers to deeper questions.
What about me gets in my way? What emotions get in my way? Then the question becomes, why do I get in my way? Finally the hardest and most important question is, how do I get out of my way?
This isn’t just about connecting with Anejo; it’s about me connecting with my life. It’s about me living a happy and healthy life. My therapist goes above and beyond to help me and I need to get out of my way enough to help her help me. If I can’t figure out how to get out of my way when it comes to connecting with Anejo, how am I ever going to connect with the rest of my life?
A very special thank you to my amazing kindhearted therapist. I have grown so much and come so far with her guidance, which is sometimes given to me through subtle facial expressions, not so subtle sounds (“hmm”), and always her ability to help me gain an awareness of so many things I had no awareness of before her. I have such deep gratitude for her unwavering support, encouragement, belief, and love for me. Although our sessions aren’t always easy, I always look forward to them. I adore the time she gives me. I have no idea what I did to deserve The Universe leading me to her but there is not a single day that goes by that I take it or her for granted. So I thank her for all she has done and still does for me. She is truly an amazing and beautiful person.