Three Loves

I stumbled upon this article as I was scrolling my News Feed on Facebook. I copy and pasted the main point of the article below, but you can access the whole article here.

There is so much truth in this for me.

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children.

This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.

It’s a love that looks right.

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

It’s the love that just feels right.

My first love was very much envied by our friends. They all seemed to compare their relationships to ours. It was great having this “perfect” relationship, but it was far from perfect. I’m still not sure I was ever “in love” with my first love. I loved her and I cared deeply for her, but I don’t think I was “in love” with her. After 10 years of trying to hold our relationship together I finally decided I couldn’t live in an unhappy relationship anymore.

My second love, well, that was one lesson after another, and one heartache after another. But DAMN were we in love. We had more ups and downs than an elevator. This relationship brought me to my knees. When it ended, I was convinced my heart would never be the same and that I would never love again, at least not like I loved her.  I learned so much about myself while in that relationship. Those lessons were the silver lining to the insane amount of pain I endured in that relationship.

After that relationship ended I got involved in a couple very unhealthy relationships. I couldn’t get my heart to love to any real depth. It was broken and no longer worked. But I did have fun in those couple attempts at relationships, it was just very unhealthy, and that was not what I wanted anymore.

Eventually I reached a point where I was content being single and even began to accept the possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life. I wasn’t about to settle again. I deserved healthy love and no longer had time for wrong relationships.

So, here I am facing what seems like my third love. Based on the description of what our third love is like, I think I’ve found it. We have an incredible connection. We both seem very comfortable with each other. Neither one of us have ever tried to “impress” the other by acting like something we’re not. We accept each other for who we are, no judgments, just acceptance. This is definitely not something I saw coming and I was quite surprised as my feelings for him continued to get stronger.

I’ve been with women for roughly the last 20 years. I’m not a fan of labels but if I had to identify with one, I’ve identified with being a lesbian. With that said, I’ve always believed the heart will love who the heart loves regardless of gender. Please do not mistake that statement to mean that being gay is a choice, IT IS NOT A CHOICE! I suppose I’ve always been bi-sexual by definition then. But I digress…

…with Him it just feels right. I can’t explain it, but it just seems to “fit”. I am not the least bit bothered by the fact that he is male. I have zero concerns about that. I think that is what I’m most surprised about; that I am in no way phased by him being male. I just like him. I take comfort in our connection. I love talking with him. I love how I feel when we talk. I feel happy and at peace with him. It feels so natural.

Could he really be my third love, my final love, my forever love? I suppose only time will tell. For now I just want us to enjoy each other and what we have.

-Dani

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