A few things about me:
- I am terrible when it comes to self-love. Very seldom do I ever put myself/wants/needs first nor do I feel I’m really worthy of being put first (with myself and/or others).
- I am terrible with boundaries. I am great with setting them, terrible with holding them (see 1 above)
- I’m slowly learning that I might not currently be or previously have been the best person to make big/life changing decisions for myself. While I’m good at convincing myself and others that the decisions I’ve made are for the best, it’s been my experience that they, in fact, have not been for the best (see 1 and 2 above)
- Another slow lesson I’m learning is that it does, indeed, seem like my head and heart are in no way, shape, or form connected nor are they ever in any sort of agreement. My heart clearly has no idea what it’s doing and is obviously the one in charge (see 1, 2, and 3 above)
- Some say that I am strong for everything that I have survived. Most days I don’t feel like a survivor, I feel like I’m just barely getting by, one foot stumbling over the other with every stationary step (see 1-4 above).
- I can be needed. If I am triggered by something that could possibly cause me deep emotional pain I will throw up a titanium wall, completely disconnect, and shut down; in time, once I know there is no threat, I will bring my wall down. I have a mountain of insecurities that I do my best to hide. Fear of reject and abandonment paralyze my life. I’ve spent the better part of the last year subconsciously isolating myself from the majority of people in my life and I have no idea why (see 1-5 above)
- There are few things that really frustrate the hell out of me and when these things happen I will shut the person out as much as I respectfully can:
- I cannot tolerate when people play dumb;
- adults who stir up drama for their own personal entertainment;
- people who are two faced;
- people who minimize the struggles and sufferings that others go through;
- people who think they can relate to others with depression, anxiety, ptsd, or any other similar disorders…when they have never experienced it. Until you’ve been in such a dark place for days at a time where you’ve had to convince yourself to get up to go to the bathroom because pissing yourself will not make this day any better. Until you find yourself crying for absolutely no reason at all other than the thought of ever feeling normal again seems impossible because you have been stuck in this darkness for days and there is no end in sight. Until you’ve felt the incredibly deep hurt, pain, ache of numbness and for a moment thought that death has got to be better than this…one cannot possibly begin to understand.
- Abuse…emotional, physical, sexual, neglect, verbal, child, domestic, animal, and any other type of abuse I may have left out. (see 1-6 above)
- Some days I just want to be broken. I want to be the mess I feel like. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to appear strong for others. I don’t want to put on a happy face. I don’t want to stumble my way thru the motions. I just want to sit and be broken and for that to fucking be okay! (see 1-7 above)
- I found what follows last night on Instagram. It perfectly captures the essence of #8:
Very few people can see through all of my many fronts. They can see through the “happy face”. They can see through my titanium wall. They can see through it all. They can see how broken I really am. They can see my scars. They can see my pain. They don’t try to minimize my pain. They don’t blow sunshine up my ass and tell me that “everything is going to be ok” or that they “understand what I’m feeling”. They let me be broken. They let me be completely vulnerable. They let me hurt. And they let all of it be okay. Probably most importantly, they love and accept me anyways (even on days I believe they don’t)!
So it is…