I’ve loved deeply once in my life and I have been deeply loved once in my life and I was fortunate enough for it to have been the same person. I have often searched for words to express the depth of our love but I’m certain there is no one word or string of words that can come remotely close to defining it. The circumstances around that relationship were complicated at best, but the love we shared for one another was a love more beautiful than anything I had experienced before and even still.
I have felt deep love for another. A love with potential to be equally as deep as the aforementioned love. However, I will never know the depth to which this love could grow, at least not romantically. As tragic and heartbreaking as that might sound, it is for the best and I am at peace with it.
There is a saying, perhaps you’re familiar with it, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. While I very much believe that to be true, I also believe I would rather have someone in my life as a dear friend than to lose them from my life forever because a line/boundary was crossed that shouldn’t have been. This was the case with the aforementioned love. It did not end on bad terms. It did not end for a lack of love. She had to break my heart as well as her own so that she could do the right thing. We haven’t been part of each other’s lives for a couple of years now. I often wonder how she is doing, when big events happen in my life I want to reach out to tell her about it. See we were also best friends, and when all of it ended I didn’t just lose the greatest love of my life, I lost my best friend and she lost hers. We crossed a boundary we had no business crossing and though the love we shared was unlike any other she is no longer in my life. If I could go back to the beginning I would do things differently. I would rather have her in my life as a friend than no longer having her in my life at all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the love we shared and the time we had together in a romantic relationship, but if we had never crossed that boundary we would never know the difference and we would still be friends.
Love is given and received in so many different ways on so many different levels. I have so much love in my heart to give and if I’m not able to give a certain type of love to someone than it is up to me to transform the love I feel for them into a different type of love that can grow to unlimited depths without causing harm.
I have loved and lost one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and I refuse to risk that with another wonderful person in my life.
I have no idea if I will ever give and receive a love with such depth again. I’m hopeful that I will and hopefully it will be a healthy and happy love that lasts a lifetime. What’s meant to be will be. In the meantime, I will continue to work on myself and try to be present in as many moments as I can.