This Shit Ain’t Easy

 

Sometimes I hate having to deal with the constant battle of depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and all the shit that comes with it.

I hate that I have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I hate that this is the life I’ve been given.

I hate that everything seems like such a damn chore.

I hate the constant unsettled feeling I have inside of me.

I hate the heaviness that weighs on me day in and day out.

I hate the hyper-vigilance.

I hate the constant questioning and self doubt.

I hate cyclical good day/bad day shit and the never knowing which one it’s going to be.

I hate taking the meds I can’t miss without everything going to shit within 48 hours.

I hate the pressure I feel from everyone to just do this or just do that (if only it were that damn easy).

I hate the thought of disappointing others if I don’t do this or that.

I hate the loneliness, which is very different that being alone.

I hate the fear that holds me back.

I hate the pressure of leaning into that fear.

I hate the lack of control I have over parts of my life.

I hate that I’m not further along in the healing process than I am.

I hate that I can’t just beat this shit and move on with my life.

I hate that I don’t understand why this shit holds onto me so much or why I hold onto this shit so much.

I hate that I can’t just let it all go.

I hate that the healing process is so mother-fucking hard!

 

 

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