Until recently I’ve thought of home as being where I live, where my parents live, or the town I grew up in. While I still consider those to be a version of home, I’ve been gaining more of an awareness that home isn’t necessarily a place. For me, home is an emotion; it’s a deep connection, a feeling of comfort, safety and security, familiarity, belonging, and love.
The other day I was trying to find words to describe to someone how I feel in their presence. I was at a loss. None of the words I thought of could fully encompass what I feel in this person’s presence. Then it hit me; being in their presence feels like home! There is no other word that could better describe that feeling.
Last night I was watching the movie Country Strong. There is a song in the movie that I absolutely love “Give In To Me” by Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester, the song is the reason I watched the movie…again. Faith Hill sings a version too, but I prefer the movie version. But that song is neither here nor there in regards to this post.
The reason I mention the movie has to do with a different song, “Coming Home”. As mentioned, I’ve seen the movie before but didn’t pay much mind to this song the first time. The premise of the movie is that country star Kelly (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) is struggling to overcome addiction while on a comeback tour that her husband (Tim McGraw) has scheduled her for. There is so much more to the story line (addiction, an affair, a love story, empowerment, survival, strength, and courage). If you haven’t seen it check it out, it’s a pretty good movie, worth the watch. But I digress.
The song “Coming Home” is about running from life, losing your way, and finding your path back home. It’s no secret that I’ve found myself running from life, and that I’ve lost my way more times than I can count and I know it will happen several more times throughout my life. While I was listening to the song, I wondered what “coming home” looked like for me? Where would my path back home lead me? The answer I came up with was this:
Coming home, for me, is returning to my authentic self; returning to the essence of who I truly am and not who I’ve believed I am for so many years; it’s living my life on my terms regardless of what others think; it’s being true to myself. Home is internal, home is a feeling, an emotion. Home is not a place, it has no address. Home can be felt anywhere and at anytime. Home can be everywhere I go, as long as I can stay true to myself. Home can be with anyone, as long I feel safe and secure, comfortable, welcomed, loved, and accepted for who I truly am without judgement. There are very few people I feel “home” with and it’s not very often I feel “home” with myself. As I learn to surround myself with like-minded people and continue to seek out my tribe, I know there will be more people I feel home with. Likewise, as I learn to fearlessly and courageously live from the essence of who I am regardless of what others might think and in spite of who I’ve believed I am, I know I will feel home with myself everywhere I go.
Home is about connection, deep connection. I have an incredibly deep connection with the aforementioned person I feel home with. I’ve felt the connection since the first conversation (it was a phone conversation) we had and it’s only continued to grow deeper with time. It’s one of those connections where you feel like you’ve known each other for years, a lifetime and longer…lifetimes. A connection where you know, without question, that you were meant to be part of each other’s lives. The Universe brought us together and timing was everything.
I’ve only felt home like this with one other person. An entirely different connection, but equally as deep and meant to be. Unfortunately that person was just passing through; but oh the growth, lessons, and love that came from that connection is everlasting and will live on in my heart until the end of time.
It’s not often I will talk about or even acknowledge any type of connection I have with myself. Hell, to this point in my life, I’ve seldom even acknowledged myself. I certainly haven’t ever had much regard for myself. Slowly but surely I am learning to care more about myself and to treat myself with the same respect and dignity as I treat others with. What I do know about myself is that in the moments I allow myself to live from the essence of who I truly am, I feel deeply connected to myself and the Universe. I like me so much more during those moments. I love the essence of who I am. I love the person I get glimpses of, the person I know I am at my core, the person I am learning to fearlessly and courageously be.
Well they say it’s where the heart is
and I guess the hardest part is
when your heart is broken
and you’re lost out in the great wide open
looking for a map
finding your way back
to where you belong
well that’s where I belong
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
There ain’t nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I’m finally coming
*Lyrics of Coming Home from Country Strong Movie
This is home to me. I hope you feel home, if not, I hope you feel home soon.