Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How do you do it? How do you creep up on me without me knowing?

I am sitting right at the edge of your nothingness, your dark abyss. I am here with that horrible aching numbness, that emptiness, and I am fighting with everything I have to not give in to you.

I refuse to let you bring me to my knees begging and pleading for mercy, again.  You feed on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my heartbreak, my frustration, my exhaustion; I know I feed you well.

What is so much more than that, though, is the overwhelming and relentless amount of love I have in my heart. That is too much for you to swallow. It’s your kryptonite and I am full stocked!

You may wear me down, you may bring me to my knees, and you have dragged me into an unimaginable darkness but I am so much stronger than you think and I will get back up every.fucking.time.

Depression, my old friend, you have won many battles but I am going to win the war.

Your old friend,

The Survivor

 

I Wonder…

I wonder if I cross your mind as often as you cross mine?

I wonder if you get lost in the memory of our time spent together like I do?

I wonder if you still feel that void without my presence the way I do without yours?

I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you?

I wonder if you still have a spark of hope like the one that burns inside of me?

I wonder if you still feel me on your skin, in your heart, and deep within your soul? I do.

The Difference a Week Makes…

It’s funny (and by funny, I mean sort of sad) how much can change in just a week’s time.

This time last week I was in Illinois having the time of my life, in what felt like our own little paradise made for 2, filled with a world of endless possibilities. It had been a long time since I had felt that content.

Jump ahead to a week later; that little paradise made just for the 2 of us feels like it was a lifetime ago, maybe even just a dream. Everything seems to have changed.

How did it go from that to this so quickly? It felt so right, so meant to be.

Was it just wishful thinking? Was it just my hopeless romantic ideals?

It seemed like all of the stars had aligned to bring us together, like it was destined to be.

Did the Universe get it wrong? Did I misread it?

What was this for? What was the purpose of bringing us together just to keep us apart? What, why?

Had my heart not suffered enough? Had it not been shattered enough?

When do I get my turn? When do I get everlasting love? How many times must my heart break before it can trust in love and love freely?

The difference a week makes…

Let’s Try This Again…

Dear Universe,

I greatly appreciate all your effort in leading me to her. She seemed like a definite possibility for “the one”. I was right there with ya. You were so close, but not quite. She checked every.single.box…except one. That “except one” box cannot be a negotiable box for me, not anymore. So let’s try this again, let’s put it out there one more time and see what happens.

This is what I want from a person/relationship:

  • She MUST be single/available (NOT NEGOTIABLE)
  • She must be kind, caring, compassionate
  • She must have the ability to love deeply
  • She must be passionate…about anything
  • She must be honest
  • She must be authentic
  • She must be loyal to friends, family, partner…
  • She must be whole on her own and compliment my wholeness
  • She must be humble
  • She must be open minded with little to no judgement of others (I’m allowing room for humaness)
  • She should have dreams…realistic as well as unrealistic
  • She should always be hopeful
  • We should have many things in common, but she should also have interests different than mine so that we can learn from and appreciate our differences
  • She must be ready to settle down and commit to a long term, growing old together relationship (I’m done playing around, I’m ready for stability and security)
  • She must not play head or heart games. I don’t have time for that.
  • She should like:
    • Walks
    • Evening wine
    • Morning coffee/tea
    • Snuggling
    • animals
    • the feel of a calm rain washing over her body
    • adventures
    • road trips
    • getting lost
    • exploring nooks and crannies along the way
  • She must know what she wants from a relationship and partner
  • She MUST be single/available (NOT NEGOTIABLE)…Doesn’t hurt to throw it out there again, since this is the only box that wasn’t checked with what I was sure was a wonderful thing in the making.
  • She must be as interested in me as I am in her
  • She must see me not as an option, but as the only possibility for her

So there you have it Universe, I’m putting it out there…again. Do your thing and bring us together…don’t forget the single/available box this time please…

Thank you,

A heart full of love waiting to be given

P.S. Make sure she knows how incredibly amazing I am, it’s a great selling point 😉

I’m Hella Worth It!

Lately I find myself teetering between insecure, unworthy, little girl and strong, independent, I am woman hear me roar. I’m getting really tired of the insecure unworthy little girl popping her needy little head out. She had a role to play many years ago, but her services are no longer needed.

I’ve been a single independent woman for the last 5 years and I’ve stood on my own two feet for the last 8 years. Not because I didn’t have options, but because I refused to settle for anything less than what I deserve.

In my life I’ve been knocked down, survived damn near every type of abuse and sexual assault imaginable, and I’m still standing.

I’ve had my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I gathered all of those tiny little pieces back up, put them all back together and then I dared to love again. My heart may get shattered into a million tiny pieces again, and again, I will gather them all up, put them all back together, and I will dare to love again.

I am resilient. Knock me down 7 times and I will get back up 8. I have been through hell and back so many times I’ve got my own express way.

After the hell I’ve been through I am still kindhearted, compassionate, caring, gentle, understanding, and loving. These characteristics I have, these traits that run deep to my soul; do not view them as weaknesses because it takes incredible strength to go through all I have gone through and still have nothing but love in my heart.

I am no longer that insecure, unworthy little girl. I am a strong independent woman. I don’t “need” anyone to complete me or make me whole. I am whole on my own. I WANT someone to compliment my wholeness with their wholeness. If it’s you that I want, you should feel pretty damn special because sure, I might not always be easy to handle, but I’m hella worth it, and you can take that straight to the bank!

  • I am woman, hear me ROAR!