I can feel you. I have felt you for a hundred lifetimes; I have loved you for as many. I can't explain it. I have no words; I have tried with no avail. I wonder, can you feel me? Have you felt me for a hundred lifetimes? Have you loved me for as many? Can you explain it? Have you the words? Or have you, too, tried with no avail? I find a connection, such as ours, is hard to deny. I wonder, do you find the same?
You’ve been in my dreams again. I’ve been trying to figure out why you’re popping up again. In my dreams, I’m always frustrated with you. We aren’t together in my dreams, the relationship has ended, sometime ago. My dreams are an accurate reflection of the reality of what happened…
You were in love with me, not him. You wanted to be with me, not him.
You picked him, not me. You were afraid you would lose your children and your parents if you left him for me, so you stayed.
You staying was something I always understood, it hurt like hell, but I understood. What killed me the most was when you began to deny and lie about your feelings. What killed me the most was when you told me you were in love with me, that your heart belonged to me, then within days you changed your story and said you were in love with him. We both knew that wasn’t true, being in love doesn’t work like that, but you insisted it was. It was part of your “fake it til you make it” plan. I’m not sure that plan is supposed to apply to denying who we truly are to fake being who others want us to be. That fact that this is the route you chose, to deny a part of yourself to please others, it makes me very sad for you.
In my dreams this is always what plays out. You denying your true feelings. I’m left feeling abandoned in this thing we were in together. I have no where to go, no one to talk to. I’m alone, left feeling unworthy of your truth; left feeling like I’m not good enough; left feeling like what I’m going through no longer matters to you. Yet all the while you want me to remain your friend, not just your friend, but your best friend.
It’s crazy how some dreams can be such an accurate depiction of reality, while other dreams have no sort of resemblance to reality at all. My dreams of you are always so accurate, the ignite such real emotion, emotions I’d hope I’d never feel again. I wake up feeling what I was feeling in my dream.
This morning, I tried something different when I woke from this dream. I place one hand over my heart and the other over my belly button. I laid there for a moment, connecting my heart, soul, and mind. Then I brought myself to the images of my dream, the emotions I felt, and I reflected on them while I was completely connected. This is what I discovered…
My self worth was never dependent on whether or not you were in love with me or whether or not you were honest about it. My feeling good enough was never a matter of what you decided. Whether I am lovable or not has absolutely nothing to do with the love you have or don’t have for me.
Note: I also need to point out that I do not blame you for how I felt in response to your choices. This is not about blame, this is about my own self realization.
Right this moment I was thinking about how long ago it was when I met you and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, why I’ve been dreaming about you again. It’s been 8 years this month. I don’t think it took us much more than a year of knowing each other before we began our affair. My world hasn’t been the same since the moment I realized you felt more for me than just friendship. I can still remember that moment like it was yesterday.
You asked me for something (it a little yellow piece that locks a key-switch in place). You were walking behind where I was sitting. I handed it to you over my shoulder. When you took it, you took my fingers in your hand, held them for longer than necessary, and squeezed them, just enough to let me know. I turned and looked at you, our eyes met, neither of us spoke a word, we just smiled. I think it was that night we talked on the phone for what seemed like hours, both confused, unsure of what we were doing, both knowing this isn’t something we should move forward with. That next morning you walked up to me with intent and without hesitation and you kissed me. I froze, I was frozen in place like a fool. When it was over I was disappointed that I froze. If that was my only chance at kissing you, I had blown it. Somehow the next day I found the courage to do exactly what you did. I walked up to you with intent and without hesitation and I kissed you. That kiss, with both of us engaged, that kiss changed us both forever.
But I digress.
My take away from reflecting on my dream this morning is that I am the one who determines my own self-worth, if I’m good enough, and if I’m lovable. These are things that should NEVER be dependent on someone else. That is way too much power to give another person. These are beliefs I get to keep about myself.
Our relationship shattered me. It’s taken me 4 years to get to where I am now and I’m still picking up pieces. But it has also taught me a lot about myself over the years. It also lead me to some very wonderful people, that I likely would not have met had it not been for how broken I was.
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
Over the last few weeks I’ve received a lot of positive feedback and compliments. I don’t generally know how to react in the face of these things, other than to smile politely and say thank you. I deeply appreciate all of the kind words, but I’ve always struggled with accepting and believing the compliments I’m given.
“How could I ever be good enough for anything?”
That’s just one of many questions that tend to run through my head when I’m given a compliment or positive feedback.
I’m learning to stop questioning my worth and to accept that perhaps, I am good enough!
A couple of weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she’s heard nothing but good things about me throughout the company and that the head of another department inquired about me.
Last week, a coworker sent me an email telling me the she appreciates me. I had helped her with a couple of different things and we worked together to get a couple other things figured out. The email she sent me simply said, “I appreciate you.” It is amazing how just 3 words can have such a profound impact on a person. “I appreciate you”. Those may be my new favorite 3 words. We all need to tell people this more often. It feels good to be told!
Another co-worker, last week, told me I was a genius. I think it’s safe to say that I am not a genius, but his expression of gratitude was warmly received.
I was even referred to as an amazing woman last week. This might be another set of words to add to my favorites list.
Then today, a meeting had just ended and I was walking back to the cubical farm with another coworker that I don’t generally see much of, but we’ve always gotten along quite well. She is a speed walker like none I’ve ever seen. She jokingly picked up her pace as we walked together. We talked about her steps per day, and asked each other how things are going. I told her I was good and had no complaints. She then said, that she has heard nothing but good things about me and that I am doing a great job. Apparently there is lots of buzz about me throughout the company. As we parted ways, she said, “I tell them I agree!”. We laughed and thanked her.
Whether there is all this buzz about how “great” I am or not, it is definitely nice to hear that some people think I am doing great.
It’s nice to be told that I’m appreciated.
It’s nice to be noticed.
In some ways this feels very new to me. It’s not like I’ve never been complimented or anything. History has shown that I do tend to rise in whatever I do, without intending to. I’ve been told several times throughout my life that I’m one of a kind, that I’m a special person, that there is something about me, that I’m easy to love, and easy to fall in love with (if someone could find my “person”, let her know that, and send her my way, I would much appreciate it).
I’ve always struggled to believe and/or understand what it was about me that people saw. What are they seeing that I don’t? What is the “something” about me? What makes me one of a kind or a special person? Why am I easy to love and fall in love with?
I’m learning that maybe I don’t need answers to those questions. Maybe I just need to accept that what people say is true, whether I understand it or not. I’ve been told these things repeatedly throughout my life, there must be some truth to it, right?
So, I’m just going to accept it. I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to be grateful for it. I’m going to take joy in knowing that there are people who have been, currently are, and will be in my life that appreciate me, just for being me, and that’s pretty fuckin awesome!
Have you ever been in one of those situations with someone, where something subtle happens that could be something, but it could also be nothing? It was most likely nothing, but it sort of felt like it was something more than nothing.
What do you do with that? It had to be nothing, it could not have been something. Why would it have been something?
I’ve been in an eerily similar situation before. In that situation, I found myself wondering the same things I’m wondering now. It had to have been nothing, because how could it possibly have been something? Seriously, a happily married Christian woman with teenage kids does not have an affair with a lesbian 13 years her Jr, right? Haha..boy was I wrong! Did not see that one coming! In that situation it very much turned out to be something, a nearly 3 year something. I know, I had an affair with a married woman, judge me if you must, but I’m human, I fell deeply in love, and I regret nothing.
But this situation can’t be the same. Surely I’ve misread the situation.
I may never know whether it was nothing or something. Probably best to assume it was nothing. Best just to play it cool, no need to make something out of nothing. Even though, I swear it felt like something, but what do I know? Maybe part of me wanted it to be something more than nothing, so that’s why it feels like it was something. I’m clearly out of practice with this whole subtle something stuff.
Well whatever it was, it was nice. But it was probably nothing and not something, right?
What I do know is, I don’t wanna mess anything up. This person is pretty great and I’d like to keep this person in my life whether it was something or nothing.
Slightly more than a little unsure,
Some how a conversation with my lovely yoga instructor went from poses my mom can do with her bad leg to me being single and there being no good healthy single people out there; at least not in the age range I’m open to. Strange how conversations morph so quickly. During our conversation she suggest I make a list of things, qualities, and the like that I seek in someone. The idea is to just put it out there (there was a lot more to the conversation, but the list and putting it out there is the point of this post). So being a blogger, what better place to create this list and put it out there?!
These are some things that are important to me, not in any specific order:
- She must be a woman (non-negotiable)
- Must be free of drug and alcohol addictions. I’m fine with social and/or moderate consumption of alcohol and marijuana (I don’t smoke anymore though).
- Tobacco free (non-negotiable)
- Must not be toxic. No games, no narcissism, no lying, no manipulating, no abusive behaviors (physical or emotional).
- Must not be younger than 35. Ideally not older than 53 (some exceptions may apply)
- Should be spiritual (not to be confused with religious)
- Should have passions
- Must be open minded
- We should share some of the same interests and same or similar values
- Must be honest
- Must be able to have healthy and productive conversations vs yelling and unproductive fighting
- Love animals
- Must have healthy lifestyle intentions (eating, physically active) and the strength to never stop trying regardless of how many times you end up back at square 1.
- Must be willing and able to commit to our relationship when it reaches that level
- Sense of humor
- Good personality
- Good vibes
- Have depth
- Know the importance of connection to nature, people, animals, and the Universe
- Must be able to love me with the same depth as I love you.
- Must respect me as I respect you
- Must trust me as I trust you
- Must be my equal. Do not follow me nor lead me, walk with me as I walk with you.
- Be kind and compassionate
- Must be your own person, with your own thoughts, beliefs, values, and opinions
- Must be authentic
- Common sense
- Must be able to have deep conversations about anything and everything
- Have an appreciation for music
- Have the ability to find the extraordinary in the ordinary
- Have the ability to see the silver linings
- Love and respect yourself
- Be comfortable letting loose, having fun, being silly and playful
- Willingness to try new things
- Most important, we must have a connection.
So there ya have it Universe, show me what ya got!
When a take a moment to think about what my ideal life looks like, it doesn’t take long to realize I’m not living it.
When I close my eyes and draw to mind the image of my ideal life it looks something like this:
- My profession is helping people, likely with a focus on victims of trauma. I can see myself as a:
- Life Coach (with a focus on mindfulness)
- Therapist (If I decide to go that far with my education)
- Yoga Teacher
- Energy Worker
- Some how combine writing, photography, and nature with healing and overcoming road blocks in life.
- Or a combination of the above
- My Tribe is made up of like-minded people.
- I own and operate a Wellness Center.
- I live a more minimalist life.
- I live in either a Tiny House, or a small house preferably lakeside or in the country. I have a garden where my partner (assuming I meet the right woman) and I grow our own produce. If money allows I/we will also have an indoor greenhouse for year round produce (I still reside in Minnesota).
- I travel to various places, stateside and abroad.
These are some changes I can make, starting right now, to get me closer to my ideal life:
- Show myself the same kindness, compassion, and respect that I show others and believe that I am deserving of my own kindness, compassion, respect, and love.
- Be strong and confident in myself, my views, my beliefs, and my values.
- Stop allowing myself to be treated as less than by others, regardless of their position in life. Self-respect and dignity are important and I will no longer give up mine for anyone.
- Eat healthier. Make time to cook healthy foods rather than always defaulting to sugar loaded foods due to convenience.
- Give myself time to rest. Sleep is important and I need to allow myself a minimum of 7 hours every night.
- Make time to meditate daily, even if it’s only 5 minutes. I am deserving of this practice.
- Make time for a daily yoga practice, even if it’s only a few poses. I am deserving of this practice.
- Make time for writing at least twice a week
- Make time for photography at least twice a month
There are other changes I will need to make that will take more time:
- Continue healing from my own trauma
- Certified as a Life Coach
- Certified as a Yoga Teacher
- Look into what I need to do to sell some of my photography (potential supplemental income).
- Finish my BA in Psychology
- Research starting a business/being a business owner
- Look into Seminars and Workshops that will help expand my knowledge and ability to better help others.
These are some of the changes that I can make and will need to make in order to fully live my ideal life. There are many changes I know I haven’t even considered yet, but I will as they arise.
I don’t have to wait until I’ve completely built my ideal life to begin living it. I can begin right now. I can live it, in many ways in the present moment, as I continue building my ideal life.
I’ll need to be forgiving of myself on this journey as I will slip, I will make mistakes, I will have set backs; I need not give up on myself or on my ideal life during times of feeling defeated. I’ll need to remind myself of where I’ve been, what I’ve lived through, and know that I am strong enough to overcome anything that comes my way.
I’ll need to remember that my purpose is to help others in any way that I can, and I will best be able to do that if I am living a life that is true to the essence that is me.
Nothing worth doing is ever done without courage, patience, and persistence.
I have a sugar addiction problem, as well as sedentary problem. The combination of the two is proving to be very unhealthy and my body is paying the toll. I treat myself rather poorly. This is not new information for me, but the longer my unhealthy lifestyle goes on the more I feel the effects of it.
My joints and muscles have been causing me a lot of discomfort; my neck, shoulders, elbows, upper back, lower back, hips, and knees have been the worst.
For other reasons I had been doing a little research on the causes of cancer and whether stress is a contributor or not. While I have a lot more research to do on the stress/cancer topic, I did discover that chronic inflammation, lack of activity, and unhealthy diet are all contributors to cancer.
It wasn’t until later that day, when I was talking with my therapist, that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was telling her about the research I was doing and we also talked about how sore my body is. I don’t recall if the conversations were directly connected, but they were had in conjunction of one another. She told me that sugar is a cause of inflammation, and that eating healthier would help to reduce my inflammation and the pain I’ve been having. It was then that it all came together in my head, and I said, “I’m killing myself”, as my eyes welled up with tears. My therapist asked what was coming up for me and, possibly for the first time, I realized that I have a real love for myself.
I am not afraid of death, but I’m also not in any hurry to get there. There are so many things in life that are out of my control; I need to be mindful of the power that’s been given to me over the things I actually can control. How I treat the body I’ve been given is entirely under my control.
I could go on feeling like shit on a regular basis or I can change my lifestyle and begin to feel better on a regular basis. The choice obvious, but I’m certainly not going to blow sunshine up my own ass by telling myself it’s the easier choice.
Making a lifestyle change isn’t easy for anyone, but adding the process of recovering from severe developmental trauma, brings a whole other level of challenge to it. I know I will stumble. I know there will be hard days. I know there will be days that I won’t give a shit. I know that these will be the days that I will need to learn to forgive myself for.
I’ve talked to people about giving up sugary treats, and often times I’m met with comments like, “you only live once, eat the sugar”. The reality of this statement is, in itself, life changing; we only live once (at least in this life and body). With this one life I have here, I would rather feel good than live in pain and discomfort.
It’s merely coincidental that all of this comes about on the 1st day of the new year, but I am not considering it a New Year Resolution, I’m considering it a start to a new lifestyle. I’m considering it an attempt to save my life or rather to extend the length of my life.
There are countless ways for death to find me, I refuse to consciously be one of them.