Stop the Hate

You know what I don’t care about?

  • I don’t care about your political views
  • I don’t care about your religious beliefs
  • I don’t care about the color of your skin
  • I don’t care about your social status
  • I don’t care about your class
  • I don’t care about your gender
  • I don’t care about what size you wear
  • I don’t even care about what way you put the toilet paper roll on.

I DO care about:

  • whether or not you’re a decent person
  • I care about how you treat others
  • I care about whether you have love or hate in your heart.

None of that other shit matters.

Just be a good person; that’s what I care about.

But that’s just me

-Dani

This Week’s Mantra…

 

  • I am good enough
  • I am capable
  • I am competent
  • I am lovable

Today I had to look in to my therapist’s eyes and repeat the aforementioned affirmations. I honestly didn’t think I could do it. She kept insisting I could and I kept insisting that I couldn’t. Tears streaming down my face, it felt like she was asking the impossible of me. To look this woman, whom I have mountains of respect for, in the eyes and tell her these things about myself, that I don’t even believe, felt like I was lying. The two I really struggled with were “I am good enough” and “I am lovable”. She assured me that these things are all true, even if I’m unable to believe it, at this time.

Developmental trauma is a Motherf*cker and I will overcome.

-Dani

A First Time for Everything

I sold my 50 inch TV tonight! This is the first time I’ve ever been without a TV and I couldn’t be happier!

I was going to sell it several months back but decided not to when I got involved with someone. They like sports so I figured I would keep. As things sometimes happen, the relationship didn’t work out. Sometimes friendship is the best way to go. So I finally decided to sell it.

I’ve lost so many hours of life to that thing. I want more time spent doing things that feed my soul rather than numb my brain.

It’s funny how the Universe works. The woman I sold my TV to was a very cool lady. We had a lot in common. At one point while we were talking her son said, “are you sure you aren’t related somehow?” He was a very nice young man. I am so happy the TV went to her. It was like we had known each other our whole lives. The connection and conversation was so easy. I could’ve talked with this woman for hours.

Here’s to life without television, connections made, and possibly a new friendship.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Universe knows what it’s doing.

This Week’s Mantra

I sort of had a rough draft mantra when I left for work this morning. Something like, “I can only do so much, and that’s ok”. Like I said it was a rough draft. I’ve been working on the draft this evening trying to make it fit my needs.

What I’ve noticed is that I have a really hard time telling myself “I love you” or any version of expressing love for myself. I’ve read several mantras online that begin with “I love myself enough to…”; since at this time those words don’t feel honest for me I’ve decided to go with:

“I respect myself enough to be aware of my physical and emotional limits, I cannot give more than I have and that’s okay.”

 

Woman Warrior

Woman Warrior

Some of this will sound familiar to people who follow me on Facebook, my apologies for that; however, I will go a little deeper and be more vulnerable here.

I attended the first, of hopefully many, Women Warrior speaking events at Spirit of the Lake Yoga & Wellness Center in Excelsior last night. While I was completely out of my comfort zone (which is part of why I went, to push myself), I am so happy I went. Such an amazing group of women. The vibe was one of strength, truth, openness, vulnerability, raw emotion, joy, laughter, inspiration, and empowerment. I couldn’t be happier to be part of such a beautiful tribe.

Women Warriors

One of the biggest things I took away from the Women Warriors event is that I don’t have to have all of my shit together to be the woman I want to be. I just have to be courageous enough to be that woman.

While I know the importance of self-care and I advise the importance of self-care, very seldom do I engage in the practice of my own self-care. This needs to change. I need to take care of myself, I need to participate in things that feed my soul, I need to learn to love and accept myself, I need to remind myself as often as necessary that I am not what has happened to me but rather I am the warrior who survived it all. I have a story, a story that I believe with all of my heart can help others. I believe I can help others because I lived my story. In order to do that though, I need to practice self-care.

My first phase of self-care is to:

  • Meditate at a minimum of 20 minutes a day, beginning with a 5 minute practice in the morning and the other 15 minutes to be used however I please throughout the day.
  • Spending time outdoors, in nature at least 3 times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes each time and it must be time spent for me, doing things I enjoy. As the temps get colder this could change but I will still aim for at least 1 day a week outdoors (I’ve always wanted to snowshoes…).
  • Continue to actively seek out my tribe. Take part in social events, of interest, a minimum of twice a month. Make an attempt to connect with current members of my tribe a minimum of twice a month.
  • Allow myself space to feel what I feel without judgement or shame.
  • Incorporate healthy food choices daily.
  • Weekly mantra’s that will keep me focused on my self-care and continue to empower me to be the woman warrior that I am.

My second phase will be some of the same but with increased frequency as well as new ways to practice self-care. First I have to get the above basics down.

So, who is the woman I want to be?

  • I want to be a woman who lives her life fearlessly or in spite of fear.
  • I want to fearlessly believe my beliefs.
  • I want to lean into fear and finish my degree in Psychology with a focus on mindfulness.
  • I want to lean into fear and get my Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and become licensed.
  • I want to lean into fear and become a Life Coach.
  • I want to fearlessly start my own wellness center to include a variety of alternative medicines and practices.
  • If the right person comes along, I want to fearlessly fall in love and enjoy the rest of life’s journey with that person; knowing that I do not “need” them and they do not “need” me.

This woman already exists within me, I just need to fearlessly be the woman warrior I know I am!

The Universe Always Knows

I just finished writing my last post not long ago, it certainly wasn’t my most upbeat by any means.

Not long after I published it, I received a group text from a wonderful guy I know. It read as follows:

I hope everyone is having the best day that they can be having, regardless of the clouds the sun is always shining.

For reasons I won’t get into here, I can’t reply to his message. If somehow, this post should find him and/or others who may know him, I wish him and everyone else the best and all the happiness in the world. Thank you for including me in the group message, it made my day. I think of you all often and hope you are all doing well.

Although I may not be present in your day to day, I am always in your corner!

Dani

This Shit Ain’t Easy

 

Sometimes I hate having to deal with the constant battle of depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and all the shit that comes with it.

I hate that I have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I hate that this is the life I’ve been given.

I hate that everything seems like such a damn chore.

I hate the constant unsettled feeling I have inside of me.

I hate the heaviness that weighs on me day in and day out.

I hate the hyper-vigilance.

I hate the constant questioning and self doubt.

I hate cyclical good day/bad day shit and the never knowing which one it’s going to be.

I hate taking the meds I can’t miss without everything going to shit within 48 hours.

I hate the pressure I feel from everyone to just do this or just do that (if only it were that damn easy).

I hate the thought of disappointing others if I don’t do this or that.

I hate the loneliness, which is very different that being alone.

I hate the fear that holds me back.

I hate the pressure of leaning into that fear.

I hate the lack of control I have over parts of my life.

I hate that I’m not further along in the healing process than I am.

I hate that I can’t just beat this shit and move on with my life.

I hate that I don’t understand why this shit holds onto me so much or why I hold onto this shit so much.

I hate that I can’t just let it all go.

I hate that the healing process is so mother-fucking hard!