A Hard Lesson Learned

A Hard Lesson Learned

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. It’s been a long time since I’ve had anything to say.

I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to share this story. I’ve contemplated on whether or not it’s just too personal (sort of funny given all of the other stories I’ve shared). I’ve wondered if it’s too soon. It’s still very fresh for me, my emotions around this are still very raw. The amount of shame I feel is overwhelming. After much consideration I’ve decided that it’s for these reasons that I should share this. So here it is…

I’ve come to the realization, after many years of fighting it, denying it, arguing about it, and so forth, that I have an Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). I have battled with it for many years without even having much of an awareness of it, that is until the last couple of years.

About 2 years ago I quit drinking for about a year. It wasn’t that I drank all of the time, it wasn’t daily, it wasn’t even necessarily weekly, but when I drank…I drank…and I drove. I had endless conversations with many people about how dangerous it was for me to drive in that condition. I completely agreed. I was being very reckless, stupid, and inconsiderate; not only was I risking my own safety and life, but what was more, I was risking the safety and lives of innocent people. I had some very serious boundary issues around limiting how much I drank in a single event. So I quit. When I quit, I kept open the possibility of introducing alcohol back in my life once I felt I had control of my ability to consume responsibly.

After about a year, I felt I had it under control enough to set and hold boundaries around how much I drank in a single event. I felt I could have just one or two and stop. It had been a year after-all, I had this under control, right?

At first I did, but as time went on the same old behaviors came back. It was like riding a bike, as they say. Old habits die hard. I knew I had let myself go to far. I just kept telling myself that I will do better. I will reel it back in, but I didn’t. I would go for a few and end up drinking far more and for longer than I had intended. I still could not hold this boundary.

This time the lesson hit me hard…

 

 

…or should I say, I hit it hard?

 

This happened Saturday evening. I had been drinking that afternoon. It happened about a block away from home. I looked away for a moment, before I knew what was happening I hit the curb and the pole was right there. There was no way I could’ve avoided it. Well, unless I had been a responsible adult and not driving under the influence to begin with.

The police were called. I was cuffed, arrested, brought in to the station, and luckily released. I received my first and last DWI that evening. And as humiliating and shaming as it was, I absolutely 100% deserved every second of it, right down to smashing up my brand new vehicle that I have only made 2 payments on. I deserve to lose full privileges of my license for 90 days (I can get a limited license as of Oct 15th so I can get to/from work, court, probation meetings, as well as support groups/meetings). I deserve the fees and fines that come with a DWI. I deserve all of it! I did this to myself. Only I could’ve prevented this all from happening.

Someone very dear to me said, “this might be the best case scenario for what seemed inevitable”. I can’t recall words that have ever been spoken to me in my lifetime that are more true than those words…

…I hit a telephone pole not a person, no one was physically injured, including myself. The only damage done was to my vehicle and the pole. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen. If I was stupid enough to drink and drive, then this was inevitable.

I am very aware of how lucky I am that this was all that happened. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if my irresponsible decision, to get behind the wheel of a vehicle under the influence, had hurt someone. I am very aware of how lucky I am that I wasn’t hurt, I hit a fucking telephone pole!

I can live with, deal with, get through, and deserve all of what comes my way as a result of my actions and poor decisions. That’s on me.

I’m so incredibly grateful that I didn’t hurt anyone. I’m grateful that I didn’t get hurt. I’m even grateful that this is how it happened, given that it was likely inevitable. This is my rock bottom. This is my wake-up call. This is my slap in the face. This is my second chance.

I will never drink and drive again. This is a promise I am making to the innocent people that share the roads with me, to the people who love and care about me, and to myself. If I can’t drink responsibly, and keeping that promise means I never drink again, then so be it, I never drink again. The consequences of drunken decisions aren’t worth it, not to me, not anymore.

For anyone out there who doesn’t think this will happen to them…I didn’t think it would happen to me either. I smashed up my vehicle, got a DWI, lose the freedom to come and go as I please for 90 days, I have to take a DWI knowledge exam, I have to pay out a shit ton of money, I have to go to court, will get fined a shit ton more money, I will likely get probation, I will possibly even be court ordered to attend meetings or a class of some sort on alcohol abuse…even with all of this I consider myself lucky.

Take my advice, don’t risk it, it’s not worth it. There are so many options out there other than having to drive under the influence. Call Uber, Lyft, a relative, a friend. Hell, walk home…just don’t get behind the wheel. I promise, this can happen to you. If you’re like me, it’s inevitable, just a matter of time and you may not be as lucky as I was. You are the only one who can prevent it from happening. Don’t be like me; don’t push your luck because that shit always runs out.

I hope by sharing my story that maybe, just maybe someone will read it and decide not to get behind the wheel under the influence. Maybe together we save a life or two or more. If my story can stop even just one person from driving under the influence then putting my shame and humility out there for all the world to see, isn’t for nothing.

*Side note: If anyone who reading this has any judgement towards me, I completely get it and I don’t blame you. But know this, whatever judgements and/or negative opinions you may have of me about this, I promise you the ones I hold for myself are far worse.

  • Dani

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How do you do it? How do you creep up on me without me knowing?

I am sitting right at the edge of your nothingness, your dark abyss. I am here with that horrible aching numbness, that emptiness, and I am fighting with everything I have to not give in to you.

I refuse to let you bring me to my knees begging and pleading for mercy, again.  You feed on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my heartbreak, my frustration, my exhaustion; I know I feed you well.

What is so much more than that, though, is the overwhelming and relentless amount of love I have in my heart. That is too much for you to swallow. It’s your kryptonite and I am full stocked!

You may wear me down, you may bring me to my knees, and you have dragged me into an unimaginable darkness but I am so much stronger than you think and I will get back up every.fucking.time.

Depression, my old friend, you have won many battles but I am going to win the war.

Your old friend,

The Survivor

 

I Wonder…

I wonder if I cross your mind as often as you cross mine?

I wonder if you get lost in the memory of our time spent together like I do?

I wonder if you still feel that void without my presence the way I do without yours?

I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you?

I wonder if you still have a spark of hope like the one that burns inside of me?

I wonder if you still feel me on your skin, in your heart, and deep within your soul? I do.

The Difference a Week Makes…

It’s funny (and by funny, I mean sort of sad) how much can change in just a week’s time.

This time last week I was in Illinois having the time of my life, in what felt like our own little paradise made for 2, filled with a world of endless possibilities. It had been a long time since I had felt that content.

Jump ahead to a week later; that little paradise made just for the 2 of us feels like it was a lifetime ago, maybe even just a dream. Everything seems to have changed.

How did it go from that to this so quickly? It felt so right, so meant to be.

Was it just wishful thinking? Was it just my hopeless romantic ideals?

It seemed like all of the stars had aligned to bring us together, like it was destined to be.

Did the Universe get it wrong? Did I misread it?

What was this for? What was the purpose of bringing us together just to keep us apart? What, why?

Had my heart not suffered enough? Had it not been shattered enough?

When do I get my turn? When do I get everlasting love? How many times must my heart break before it can trust in love and love freely?

The difference a week makes…

Let’s Try This Again…

Dear Universe,

I greatly appreciate all your effort in leading me to her. She seemed like a definite possibility for “the one”. I was right there with ya. You were so close, but not quite. She checked every.single.box…except one. That “except one” box cannot be a negotiable box for me, not anymore. So let’s try this again, let’s put it out there one more time and see what happens.

This is what I want from a person/relationship:

  • She MUST be single/available (NOT NEGOTIABLE)
  • She must be kind, caring, compassionate
  • She must have the ability to love deeply
  • She must be passionate…about anything
  • She must be honest
  • She must be authentic
  • She must be loyal to friends, family, partner…
  • She must be whole on her own and compliment my wholeness
  • She must be humble
  • She must be open minded with little to no judgement of others (I’m allowing room for humaness)
  • She should have dreams…realistic as well as unrealistic
  • She should always be hopeful
  • We should have many things in common, but she should also have interests different than mine so that we can learn from and appreciate our differences
  • She must be ready to settle down and commit to a long term, growing old together relationship (I’m done playing around, I’m ready for stability and security)
  • She must not play head or heart games. I don’t have time for that.
  • She should like:
    • Walks
    • Evening wine
    • Morning coffee/tea
    • Snuggling
    • animals
    • the feel of a calm rain washing over her body
    • adventures
    • road trips
    • getting lost
    • exploring nooks and crannies along the way
  • She must know what she wants from a relationship and partner
  • She MUST be single/available (NOT NEGOTIABLE)…Doesn’t hurt to throw it out there again, since this is the only box that wasn’t checked with what I was sure was a wonderful thing in the making.
  • She must be as interested in me as I am in her
  • She must see me not as an option, but as the only possibility for her

So there you have it Universe, I’m putting it out there…again. Do your thing and bring us together…don’t forget the single/available box this time please…

Thank you,

A heart full of love waiting to be given

P.S. Make sure she knows how incredibly amazing I am, it’s a great selling point 😉

I’m Hella Worth It!

Lately I find myself teetering between insecure, unworthy, little girl and strong, independent, I am woman hear me roar. I’m getting really tired of the insecure unworthy little girl popping her needy little head out. She had a role to play many years ago, but her services are no longer needed.

I’ve been a single independent woman for the last 5 years and I’ve stood on my own two feet for the last 8 years. Not because I didn’t have options, but because I refused to settle for anything less than what I deserve.

In my life I’ve been knocked down, survived damn near every type of abuse and sexual assault imaginable, and I’m still standing.

I’ve had my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I gathered all of those tiny little pieces back up, put them all back together and then I dared to love again. My heart may get shattered into a million tiny pieces again, and again, I will gather them all up, put them all back together, and I will dare to love again.

I am resilient. Knock me down 7 times and I will get back up 8. I have been through hell and back so many times I’ve got my own express way.

After the hell I’ve been through I am still kindhearted, compassionate, caring, gentle, understanding, and loving. These characteristics I have, these traits that run deep to my soul; do not view them as weaknesses because it takes incredible strength to go through all I have gone through and still have nothing but love in my heart.

I am no longer that insecure, unworthy little girl. I am a strong independent woman. I don’t “need” anyone to complete me or make me whole. I am whole on my own. I WANT someone to compliment my wholeness with their wholeness. If it’s you that I want, you should feel pretty damn special because sure, I might not always be easy to handle, but I’m hella worth it, and you can take that straight to the bank!

  • I am woman, hear me ROAR!