Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

My entire life I’ve felt like a failure, a disappointment. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough. I felt like I had no voice and that anything I had to say was insignificant.

I was never good at anything, except fucking up of course. I was an expert in that area. I hated school, skipped every chance I got and quit when I was 16. I started smoking pot when I was 15; cigarettes when I was 12. An extended family member gave me my first beer when I was like 8. Drinking didn’t become a regular thing until my early teen years though.I was in trouble with the law from 15 until nearly 18. Just petty small stuff. Turns out if you do enough petty small stuff, it will land you in juvenile detention (which I completed successfully, with the exception of a few fuck ups).

It feels like no one in my life has ever taken me seriously. Do you know what that’s like? To have goals, hopes, dreams and to feel like no one cares? Like no one supports the life you’re working towards? To speak words and have a complete understanding that the words coming out of your mouth are falling on deaf ears? To know that sound is coming from your mouth but you have no voice. Do you know what it is to feel like you don’t matter?

It’s like a bar has been set and I’ve been set-up to fail.

I have to start facing how broken I am. I can’t keep hiding behind pretend rainbow and butterfly emotions. You’ve heard the expression “fake it til you make it”? Well, I call bullshit on that. Who came up with that? In what world is it healthy to pretend like everything is great and bury all the hurt and pain? It’s like a band-aid waiting to fall off the second it gets wet. Shit needs to be processed not buried deep down festering quietly like the calm before the storm. No one is truly happy shoving their emotions down, and if you claim to be, then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet.

Come hell or high water I’m gonna beat this shit. I’m going to heal these open wounds. I know there will always be scars that remain but, like any wound, the hurt will subside as it heals.

I have a voice. I am intelligent. What I have to say matters. I matter. I will not be stepped on, walked on, or walked over. I’m done feeling like a nobody.


True Self

True Self

the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me

– Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Does your outward life reflect who you are on the inside? Are you living as your true self? If your answer is no, fear not, you are not alone.

I am learning to live my life as my true self

I am learning to fearlessly live outwardly the person I am at my core and in my heart.

Too many of us are afraid to outwardly live who we are internally because we feel others will reject the authentic version of ourselves, our true self. So instead of being true to ourselves, we become the person others are accepting of and all the while harming ourselves. If we aren’t being true to ourselves than we are belittling ourselves by diminishing who our true self is. That’s some pretty intense self abuse. If we cannot be our true self with the people WE have surrounded our self with, then we need to find other people to surround our self with. 

In my life, I’ve found that I don’t always share things that I am proud of with some of my circle of people. I’ve received push-back from people within my circle, I’ve found that some people seem to get upset or offended when I do something to better myself and life; when I am making decisions and acting as my true self. I’ve found that some people doubt my ability to stick to a decision I’ve made. I will take accountability for having failed at goals and boundaries I’ve set in the past and I am confident I will fail again in my lifetime (I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, I’m human). Believe me when I say, I’ve come to embrace failure. It is in our failures and mistakes that our greatest lesson are taught.

With that having been said, if you have a friend or family member who is brave enough to get back up on that horse after falling off a hundred times before, give them the support they deserve and not doubt. They are trying. They know how hard it is. They know they have failed at this in the past. They know there is a strong possibility that they are going to fall off the horse again. If they are willing to believe in themselves enough to share their attempt at something they’ve failed at over and over again, than you damn well better support them and believe in them too. If you don’t, one day you are going to find yourself one person short in your circle of people. Changing something about yourself is never easy and it’s even harder when the people closest to you don’t believe in you. 

Now I tend to tell and share in my pride of my accomplishments with a select few. People I know will be happy for me, celebrate with me, and be proud of me for living as and up to my true self. When we make changes to better ourselves we get the opportunity to see who really belongs in our circle of people, who we may need to step back from a bit, and who just really needs to go. 

We need to strive to surround ourselves with people who will allow us to be our true self, people who appreciate us for who we truly are, people who will support us in our failures and encourage us to get back on the horse and try again, people who won’t judge us for trying to be a better version of our self and for trying to be healthier both emotionally and physically. We need to find our tribe. 

I have demons I have conquered. I have accomplishments I am proud of. I have efforts in the works that I am proud of, even at the risk of failing, because I’m trying and I will keep trying until I get it. 

And I will no longer intentionally live outwardly in a way that makes others more accepting or comfortable in their own lifestyle. If you don’t like who I am or how I live my authentic life, then you have options; you’re allowed to walk away, you’re allowed to step a little further back. You have choices, but I will no longer live in your comfort zone. I need to live in my comfort zone, I need my outward self to reflect my inward self. 

Now I become myself.

It’s taken time, many years and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people’s faces….

-May Sarton