Dear Depression

It’s been a long time since you’ve come around. I was hoping that, perhaps, I’d never see you again. I should’ve known better. I’ve sensed you lingering in the background, waiting for the right time. I guess you found your opportunity and you snuck right in. You’ve always had that way about you, waiting for the right moment to sneak your way back in.

Your darkness can be so overpowering. Shadowing over me, ready to pounce at the slightest sign of weakness. I’ve been strong for so long, I just needed a little break, I just needed to cry for a moment. I needed some release, and you saw it as your moment to attack.

Sometimes, when there are long stretches between your visits, I forget how incredibly painful the feeling of your numbness is. I am always amazed at how numbness is, by far, one of the worst aches in the world.

I wonder, how long you’re planning to visit this time? I really don’t have time in my life for you right now. You’re dropping in at a rather inconvenient time. Just because you saw that I was experiencing sadness, doesn’t give you the right to invade my life. My sadness is not an invitation for you to show up. I’d really appreciate it, if you could go back to the dark corner from which you came and just let me be. I know I am struggling a bit emotionally these days, but your presence doesn’t help matters at all. You are not a comfort to me.

You do not get to just walk in and take over my emotions and my life, not anymore. Maybe there was a time in my life when you were somehow a protector or coping mechanism, but that is not your role here anymore. You have no role here anymore. I’m going to need you to take a backseat in my life. I can no longer allow you to jump in behind the wheel whenever it suits you. This is my life, you don’t get to control it. This time I am going to fight you harder than I ever have before. This time, you don’t get to take me to my knees. This time I am going to stand-up and rail against you. You may have won several battles in the past, but this war with you, is mine to win.

Sincerely,

The Woman Warrior you no longer want to fuck with!

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How do you do it? How do you creep up on me without me knowing?

I am sitting right at the edge of your nothingness, your dark abyss. I am here with that horrible aching numbness, that emptiness, and I am fighting with everything I have to not give in to you.

I refuse to let you bring me to my knees begging and pleading for mercy, again.  You feed on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my heartbreak, my frustration, my exhaustion; I know I feed you well.

What is so much more than that, though, is the overwhelming and relentless amount of love I have in my heart. That is too much for you to swallow. It’s your kryptonite and I am full stocked!

You may wear me down, you may bring me to my knees, and you have dragged me into an unimaginable darkness but I am so much stronger than you think and I will get back up every.fucking.time.

Depression, my old friend, you have won many battles but I am going to win the war.

Your old friend,

The Survivor