A New Chapter

Today I am standing at the feet of a new beginning. A new chapter in my life. Today also marks 21 months alcohol free for me!! I am super proud of myself for that.

I find myself single again, but I know in my heart that I did everything I could to make it work. The timing just wasn’t right. Unfortunately it took us five months to figure that out, or at least to accept it anyway.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown a lot over the last 5 months. I think I might be healthier than I gave myself credit for. I feel sadness in my heart, I’m hurting, but what’s more than that is that I just want her to be happy. I want us both to just be happy.

Back to my next chapter in life, What does that look like? What do I want it to look like?

I want to spend more time with family and friends.

The weather is getting nice again here in Minnesota, so I’d like to get back into hiking.

Things seem to be opening more, I’m hoping that means there will be more available in person yoga classes I can attend. I’ve neglected my yoga practice for far too long. I know there are outdoor yoga classes too, I should look into those.

I’ve already begun to bring meditation back into my life with joining a 6 week meditation class. I think this is going to be a huge positive shift for me. I’m really looking forward to it.

I need to start taking steps toward finishing my degree. So, I think what I am going to do is to just start taking one class at a time, just so I can keep moving forward with it. My passion has always been with helping people. My dream career is to be a therapist. It’s never going to happen if I don’t start making some forward progress here.

I’ve come to the realization that I am starting to love myself. It seems the healthier I become, the more love and respect I have for myself. I’m going to keep working on loving and respecting myself. This will also help me to create healthy boundaries for myself, others in my life, and the future people that come into my life.

I’m also going to start working more on my gifts. I have a very intuitive way about me that I would like to strengthen. I’m also an empath, I would like to strengthen that gift as well and learn how to set healthy safe boundaries around that gift.

I’ve been saying for years that I need to eat a healthier diet. While I have lost a fair amount of weight over the past month, it has been a stress diet, not a healthy diet. So, my plan is to start feeding my body better.

I’m not going to just start feeding my body better food, but I need to start feeding my mind, body and soul better. More self-care and self-love behaviors and activities.

This chapter of my life is all about me finding my center balance again and self-care. The more me I become the better I feel about myself. I will use this time to continue working on becoming the best version of me that I can be.

I have faith in the Universe that it will bring me my person. That person will be the right person at the right time and we will compliment each other in life. Together we will build a solid foundation to build a happy, healthy, respectful, loving relationship. Until then, I will work on further healing myself, self-care, and continue working on my life goals.

Here’s to my next chapter.

With love and light,

Dani

Dear Dani: A letter, an apology, a commitment to myself

Dear Dani,

I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of the terrible things you’ve endured in your life. You didn’t deserve any of it and none of it was your fault. You were a child, you experienced terrible things and kept them a secret. You were scared and felt very alone in what you were going through.

As you got older you found that similar experiences repeated themselves. You felt like you had no control of anything. Life was just one experience after another, ugly things continued to happen to you and in your life, and you did the best you could to get through it all. You were still really a child, even though as a teenager that wasn’t how you saw yourself, but you were. Like all teenagers you thought you knew everything, but later years taught you that you had no idea. What you learned to this point in your life was how to manage your chaos and you did so by building massive walls and shutting down any real emotion or connection to anyone. It was what you had to do to survive. For awhile it seemed like you were ok. No one could hurt you because you had constructed such a strong exterior. I am sorry that you were brought to a place in your young life that forced you to lock everyone out or rather to lock yourself in, to shut down your very own emotions, to have to become so closed off in order to not feel the pain of everything you had endured and were continuing to endure. I am sorry you had to carry that kind of pain.

What I am most sorry for is that even as an adult I’ve treated you the same as so many others have. I’ve neglected you; I’ve disrespected you; I’ve abused you emotionally and verbally; I’ve knowingly walked you into heartache; I’ve made regrettable decisions you’ve had to live with; I’ve let you down time and time again. I am so sorry that I, too, victimized you. You did nothing to deserve any of this and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the ways I’ve wronged you. No rush, take all of the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.

I didn’t know how to love and care for you the way that you so desperately needed me to, and I’m still learning. The more I learn the more I admire you. Everything that you have been through, endured, seen, heard, felt…you’re still standing. No matter how many times you’ve been knocked down you always get back up. You have a strength inside of you, a will, a desire, a passion that is so incredibly powerful; and that my Darling, is something to be admired. I haven’t always seen you as having that kind of strength and that is another thing I am sorry for. I have underestimated you and your ability so many times. Again, I didn’t know how to love and care for you. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behaviors and actions towards you but, given everything we’ve been through, I think we could ease up on ourselves a little. It’s amazing we are even still alive and I owe that to you! Without your strength, resilience, and determination there is no way we would’ve come this far and I will forever be grateful for your ability to get back up when it would’ve been so much easier just stay down. Thank you for fighting for us.

Sweetheart, you’ve carried more than enough of the load on your own for far too long, I’m going to take it from here. I know you don’t trust me and you have every reason in the world not to. I’ve not been here for you like you needed me to be, you’ve never been able to depend on me, I’ve put you at risk and in danger numerous times but I am asking you to please trust me one more time and to be patient with me as we go forward, as I said, I am still learning.

My commitment to you as we go forward:

I promise I will do my best not to let you down.

I promise I will put you first and I will always protect you.

I promise I won’t knowingly put you in any more unhealthy situations.

I promise to do a much better job at loving and caring for you and meeting your needs.

I promise I will clear a path for you to follow your dreams, passions, and desires.

I promise I will keep us working towards thriving rather than just surviving.

And I promise to listen when you tell me that you’re not okay.

I will not abandon you. I am right here. You are not alone.

 

With Love,

Your Functional Adult Self