Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

My entire life I’ve felt like a failure, a disappointment. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough. I felt like I had no voice and that anything I had to say was insignificant.

I was never good at anything, except fucking up of course. I was an expert in that area. I hated school, skipped every chance I got and quit when I was 16. I started smoking pot when I was 15; cigarettes when I was 12. An extended family member gave me my first beer when I was like 8. Drinking didn’t become a regular thing until my early teen years though.I was in trouble with the law from 15 until nearly 18. Just petty small stuff. Turns out if you do enough petty small stuff, it will land you in juvenile detention (which I completed successfully, with the exception of a few fuck ups).

It feels like no one in my life has ever taken me seriously. Do you know what that’s like? To have goals, hopes, dreams and to feel like no one cares? Like no one supports the life you’re working towards? To speak words and have a complete understanding that the words coming out of your mouth are falling on deaf ears? To know that sound is coming from your mouth but you have no voice. Do you know what it is to feel like you don’t matter?

It’s like a bar has been set and I’ve been set-up to fail.

I have to start facing how broken I am. I can’t keep hiding behind pretend rainbow and butterfly emotions. You’ve heard the expression “fake it til you make it”? Well, I call bullshit on that. Who came up with that? In what world is it healthy to pretend like everything is great and bury all the hurt and pain? It’s like a band-aid waiting to fall off the second it gets wet. Shit needs to be processed not buried deep down festering quietly like the calm before the storm. No one is truly happy shoving their emotions down, and if you claim to be, then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet.

Come hell or high water I’m gonna beat this shit. I’m going to heal these open wounds. I know there will always be scars that remain but, like any wound, the hurt will subside as it heals.

I have a voice. I am intelligent. What I have to say matters. I matter. I will not be stepped on, walked on, or walked over. I’m done feeling like a nobody.

Dani

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Abuse is a bitch. I’ve been out of abuse’s reach for many years and yet it is still very present in my everyday life.

I’ve been sexually and physically abused by a member of my extended family (lasted approx 8 yrs. It ended about 25 years ago and I still can’t get the words out of my mouth to describe what he did to me). I’ve been verbally/mentally/emotionally abused (during my childhood and periodically throughout my adult years). I’m an ACoA (should be attending meetings, but I don’t. Fear of rejection, insecurities, and social anxiety keep me from attending. I’m still hopeful that I will get there someday). I’m not in the program nor have I ever been so I’m not sure if I would identify with being in “recovery” but I no longer drink alcohol because I realized I had a drinking problem (there might come a day when I feel I have control over it and will drink occasionally but never to the point of intoxication. For now I just don’t drink and I may never again).

Daily I battle depression, C-PTSD ( AKA complex trauma/developmental trauma), Codependency, anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, love addiction, and other related issues. 

My self-care is minimal at best. I do the basics: shower daily, have a FT+ job, eat enough to stay alive (not healthy foods though), I take my meds everyday (for the most part). I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat a nutritional diet (I would hardly call what I eat a diet at all on any level. Mostly granola bars and cheese and crackers). I don’t drink anywhere near enough fluids, I get no exercise, and I clean my apartment only when it needs it (I’m inching my way towards becoming a low to mid-level minimalist though so that should make cleaning seem much more manageable. I just have too much “stuff” right now and it makes me feel suffocated. It exhausts me).

Very seldom do I ever do anything that brings me joy. I haven’t taken my camera out in a year or more. I meditate like once a month, if that. I don’t spend time with my friends (work plays a big part in that though. Overnights don’t allow for much of a social life). I have removed a person or two from my life recently because I didn’t feel they added value to my life anymore. I don’t run/walk anymore. I don’t do yoga.

I don’t really care much for social media anymore. I even deactivated my Twitter account. I would like to get rid of my person Facebook account and just keep my Page, but apparently that’s not an option. Social media is just more “stuff” and I am so tired of “stuff”. 

It’s as though all of my “stuff” is noise. The noise is overwhelming and I just need silence. 

Sometimes I feel misunderstood by people around me. There are literally a handful of people who I feel understand me, the real me. Two of these people happen to be my therapist and my psychiatrist, but hey, they get me. I have a list of people I would love to make part of my circle, people I think would also get me: Cheryl Strayed (I might be in love with this woman), Mastin Kipp (such an amazing guy and he always seems to know exactly what I’m going through), Brené Brown (she taught me about vulnerability and shame), Danielle Laport (her rawness is inspiring), and Elena Brower (together we could be the rock-stars of yoga). 

I’m tired. I am so tired all of the time. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no desire to function. All I want to do is sleep and I don’t do that very well. 

Most, if not all of it, is connected in one way or another to the abuse I’ve endured. People who say “Just get over it” frustrate me to no end. My response to those people is “you live one day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, remember the memories of abuse I’ve endured, try to remain calm when an emotion is triggered, try to pretend all is well and good for the sake of others. Then at the end of the day, let me know if you can ‘just got over it’ because it’s not that black and white, but how wonderful it would be if it were.” I am a constant mix of emotions and thoughts. 

I know what I need to do to get better but I am so damn tired all of the time that I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. Sometimes if feels like I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. This is one big merry-go-round of feeling insignificant, powerless, hopeless and then feeling positive, hopeful, empowered; only to start back over at insignificant, powerless, and hopeless. 

I often wonder if this will ever stop. Will I ever be completely healed? Will I ever overcome everything that has happened and everything that I deal with on a daily basis? Will I ever get off of this god forsaken merry-go-round?

-Dani