This is How I Know

So I’ve had my heart broken today, and it’s ok. I mean it hurts, but I think it had to happen. I love her so very deeply.

A lot of people say, “You make me want to be a better person.”. So often those are just words they say, hell I’ve said the words in the past myself. However, this woman really did make me want to be a better person. I even made several changes to become a better, healthier person while we were together. I learned things from this woman and our relationship that I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

This woman has been through a lot of shit in her life. She, like many of us, has a history of trauma that she needs to heal. A lot of past wounds that are still wide open. She has had her confidence, her self-esteem, her self-worth, her true-self stripped away from her. She has a journey ahead of her to heal and rebuild herself to be the person she wants to be. The essence of who she is, is truly beautiful. She has a solid foundation to build from, she just can’t see how incredible she already is. She can’t see how worthy she already is of all of the good things life has to offer her. She can’t see how loveable she is. She can’t see her own strength and courage. I’ve been able to see her, to truly see her from the first day I looked into her eyes. She has so much pain in her eyes, but behind all of that pain is a truly beautiful soul.

Another thing people often say is, “when you truly love someone, all you will want for them is happiness, even if that happiness isn’t with you.”. I have come to a place of knowing that I truly love this woman because I don’t need her to be happy with me, I just want her to be happy. I just want the best for her. I want her to heal old wounds and past trauma so that she can finally be the person she wants to be. So she can finally be free to be herself. To love who she wants. To live and love out loud. I want her to see and know her worth. I want her to see and know her beauty. I want her to believe in herself like I believe in her. I want her to feel the strength and courage that lives inside of her. I want her to be everything she wants to be. I want her to have everything she wants. I want all of her wants and needs met. I want her to see herself the way I see her. I have seen her truly happy, she lights up a room. When she allows herself to feel like her true self, she is so kind, compassionate, understanding, loving, and just incredibly beautiful. I want her to feel like her true-self all of the time. I want her to heal and be healthy and happy. She is so deserving and worthy of healing, happiness, healthy love, healthy connections, and all the good things in life. I want to give her my strength while she builds her own. I want to give her my courage while she finds hers. I want her to fight for herself. I want her to learn to forgive herself. I want her to learn to be gentle and patient with herself. I want her to learn to love herself. I want her to courageously live her life unapologetically.

I want what’s best for her, even if that’s not me. This is how I know, I truly love this woman.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How do you do it? How do you creep up on me without me knowing?

I am sitting right at the edge of your nothingness, your dark abyss. I am here with that horrible aching numbness, that emptiness, and I am fighting with everything I have to not give in to you.

I refuse to let you bring me to my knees begging and pleading for mercy, again.  You feed on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my heartbreak, my frustration, my exhaustion; I know I feed you well.

What is so much more than that, though, is the overwhelming and relentless amount of love I have in my heart. That is too much for you to swallow. It’s your kryptonite and I am full stocked!

You may wear me down, you may bring me to my knees, and you have dragged me into an unimaginable darkness but I am so much stronger than you think and I will get back up every.fucking.time.

Depression, my old friend, you have won many battles but I am going to win the war.

Your old friend,

The Survivor