Dear Depression

It’s been a long time since you’ve come around. I was hoping that, perhaps, I’d never see you again. I should’ve known better. I’ve sensed you lingering in the background, waiting for the right time. I guess you found your opportunity and you snuck right in. You’ve always had that way about you, waiting for the right moment to sneak your way back in.

Your darkness can be so overpowering. Shadowing over me, ready to pounce at the slightest sign of weakness. I’ve been strong for so long, I just needed a little break, I just needed to cry for a moment. I needed some release, and you saw it as your moment to attack.

Sometimes, when there are long stretches between your visits, I forget how incredibly painful the feeling of your numbness is. I am always amazed at how numbness is, by far, one of the worst aches in the world.

I wonder, how long you’re planning to visit this time? I really don’t have time in my life for you right now. You’re dropping in at a rather inconvenient time. Just because you saw that I was experiencing sadness, doesn’t give you the right to invade my life. My sadness is not an invitation for you to show up. I’d really appreciate it, if you could go back to the dark corner from which you came and just let me be. I know I am struggling a bit emotionally these days, but your presence doesn’t help matters at all. You are not a comfort to me.

You do not get to just walk in and take over my emotions and my life, not anymore. Maybe there was a time in my life when you were somehow a protector or coping mechanism, but that is not your role here anymore. You have no role here anymore. I’m going to need you to take a backseat in my life. I can no longer allow you to jump in behind the wheel whenever it suits you. This is my life, you don’t get to control it. This time I am going to fight you harder than I ever have before. This time, you don’t get to take me to my knees. This time I am going to stand-up and rail against you. You may have won several battles in the past, but this war with you, is mine to win.

Sincerely,

The Woman Warrior you no longer want to fuck with!

Perfectly Incomplete

Perfectly Incomplete

I’m perfectly incomplete
I’m still working on my masterpiece and I
I wanna hang with the greatest gotta
Way to go, but it’s worth the wait, no
You haven’t seen the best of me
I’m still working on my masterpiece

Read more: Jessie J – Masterpiece Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that in order to help, inspire, encourage, guide, and/or give advice to others who have been or are going through what I’ve been through, I couldn’t still be suffering and struggling with my day to day. I thought I had to be through the worst of the worst of it. Some, who haven’t suffered abuse, might think that the worst of the worst is the actual abuse itself, but that’s not the case; at least it isn’t for me.

Processing it, feeling it and I mean really feeling it, facing it, owning it, accepting it, coming to terms with the horrible things you’ve lived through and knowing that there is not a Goddamn thing that you or anyone else will ever be able to do to change what happened. That is the worst of the worst of it. That’s the bitch of it. It’s easy to pretend like nothing ever happened. It’s easy to just stuff it all down, justify it, normalize it, and make it ok, or at the very least make it something manageable that can be lived with.

I’ve been a victim of many various types of abuse and I survived all of it. Maybe from the outside I seem like I’ve got my shit together, and sometimes I actually do. I have good days, where life seems normal (whatever the hell that even means). I have days where I can live out the advice I give to others. Even on the days I can’t live out my own advice, I still wholeheartedly believe that the advice I give is sound. I just can’t bring myself to follow it sometimes.

I’ve thought myself a fraud because I still have terrible days filled with depression, codependency, insecurities, feeling worthless, insignificant, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, not smart enough, inept, and the list could go on forever.

I’m still easily triggered. My emotions are still on high alert, probably even more so now with really delving into the processing part of all of my past abuse. I can still be very reactive and quick to respond. I take some things very personally when I shouldn’t. I’m often filled with doubt. I often let my insecurities and old emotional patterns/habits get the best of me.

I know mindfulness (meditation, being in the present moment), exercise (yoga, run/walk), eating a well balanced diet, and attending support groups/meetings will do wonders for my healing process. I suggest doing these things to everyone I give advice to. It works, I know because I’ve done these things before and I felt much better. But these aren’t things you just wake up one morning and decide you’re going to do. Not when you’ve been emotionally stunted for so many years. Not when you can’t get yourself out of bed just to move to the next room to watch tv all day. Not when you’ve thought yourself worthless for so long. Not when you’ve failed at so many other things, why set yourself up for failure again? Making these kinds of positive changes in your life take time. It’s not just a decision, it takes time and energy and focus and courage and strength and a strong will and an ability to set and hold a boundary. Many of us survivors of abuse either completely lack or are very deficient in all of those areas.

If healing from abuse were easy everyone would be doing it. But it’s not and we aren’t all doing it. Some of us are still very stuck and afraid to seek the help we need and deserve. The fear is warranted, the healing process is fucking ugly! It hurts like hell, the memories, the images, the emotions…it’s like a living hell, but it is a very necessary hell that we must go through in order to go on living a happy and healthy life.

I’ve come so far in the last couple of years in therapy. I am not the same person I was when I started therapy, I can say that without a doubt. I’ve grown, I’ve transformed, my mind has opened to new things, I’m more awake in my own life. Yes sometimes that’s hard, but sometimes it’s pretty damn amazing too.

I’ve got a lot of work to do in my healing process and I can’t keep forcing what’s not ready to happen yet. It’s making me feel shitty. Healing is going to happen in it’s time, but I need to be an active part in the process.

So, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to give myself an authoritative label on the recovery and healing process from abuse. I can give hope, inspiration, and encouragement through my healing journey, but that’s all I can offer at this time. I’m not ready to give more of myself than I even have to give. I still have so much healing to do. My wounds are incredibly deep. I’m not a victim anymore, that I know. I am a survivor, I know that too. But I am not thriving in my life. I am not Living Daily. I want to be, I aim to be, I will be, I’m just not today.

I’m going to take the time I need, I’m going to reinvent myself, I’m going to heal; and when I’m ready, I will come back with an arsenal of advice, guidance, suggestions, empowering stories, and I will be ready to help others fight their way through the healing process.

Until then I have no idea how often I will post, I have no idea what the subject matter will be when I do post.

Danielle Curtis, just a girl trying to make it