This Shit Ain’t Easy

 

Sometimes I hate having to deal with the constant battle of depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and all the shit that comes with it.

I hate that I have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I hate that this is the life I’ve been given.

I hate that everything seems like such a damn chore.

I hate the constant unsettled feeling I have inside of me.

I hate the heaviness that weighs on me day in and day out.

I hate the hyper-vigilance.

I hate the constant questioning and self doubt.

I hate cyclical good day/bad day shit and the never knowing which one it’s going to be.

I hate taking the meds I can’t miss without everything going to shit within 48 hours.

I hate the pressure I feel from everyone to just do this or just do that (if only it were that damn easy).

I hate the thought of disappointing others if I don’t do this or that.

I hate the loneliness, which is very different that being alone.

I hate the fear that holds me back.

I hate the pressure of leaning into that fear.

I hate the lack of control I have over parts of my life.

I hate that I’m not further along in the healing process than I am.

I hate that I can’t just beat this shit and move on with my life.

I hate that I don’t understand why this shit holds onto me so much or why I hold onto this shit so much.

I hate that I can’t just let it all go.

I hate that the healing process is so mother-fucking hard!

 

 

But You Don’t Get To Give Up

But You Don’t Get To Give Up

We don’t always get it right.

There are going to be bad days and you will feel powerless to them.

There are going to be days of sickness.

There are going to be days when your world feels so dark. 

There are going to be days when your world feels so small.

And there will be days when you feel so small in this great big world.

There will be days when just the thought of getting out of bed keeps you there longer.

But you don’t get to give up

Because…

We don’t always get it wrong either.

Because…

There are going to be good days in which you celebrate life and love.

Because…

There are going to be days when you feel the healthiest you’ve ever felt.

Because…

There are going to be days when your heart is so full of love that it lights up your world.

Because…

There are going to be times when the night sky catches your eye and the vastness of the Universe will take your breath away

because…

There will be days when you are larger than life.

Because…

There will be days when nothing in the world will keep you from getting out of bed and facing a beautiful day with the sun shining it’s warmth and brightness on your beautiful face. 

So…

You can have bad days

You can stay in bed all day, weekend, or week.

You can fall apart.

You can cry until you cry yourself out of tears. 

But you don’t get to give up.

Because..

There is so much left to fight for and you are worth fighting for!

With Loving-kindness ♥