Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Abuse is a bitch. I’ve been out of abuse’s reach for many years and yet it is still very present in my everyday life.

I’ve been sexually and physically abused by a member of my extended family (lasted approx 8 yrs. It ended about 25 years ago and I still can’t get the words out of my mouth to describe what he did to me). I’ve been verbally/mentally/emotionally abused (during my childhood and periodically throughout my adult years). I’m an ACoA (should be attending meetings, but I don’t. Fear of rejection, insecurities, and social anxiety keep me from attending. I’m still hopeful that I will get there someday). I’m not in the program nor have I ever been so I’m not sure if I would identify with being in “recovery” but I no longer drink alcohol because I realized I had a drinking problem (there might come a day when I feel I have control over it and will drink occasionally but never to the point of intoxication. For now I just don’t drink and I may never again).

Daily I battle depression, C-PTSD ( AKA complex trauma/developmental trauma), Codependency, anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, love addiction, and other related issues. 

My self-care is minimal at best. I do the basics: shower daily, have a FT+ job, eat enough to stay alive (not healthy foods though), I take my meds everyday (for the most part). I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat a nutritional diet (I would hardly call what I eat a diet at all on any level. Mostly granola bars and cheese and crackers). I don’t drink anywhere near enough fluids, I get no exercise, and I clean my apartment only when it needs it (I’m inching my way towards becoming a low to mid-level minimalist though so that should make cleaning seem much more manageable. I just have too much “stuff” right now and it makes me feel suffocated. It exhausts me).

Very seldom do I ever do anything that brings me joy. I haven’t taken my camera out in a year or more. I meditate like once a month, if that. I don’t spend time with my friends (work plays a big part in that though. Overnights don’t allow for much of a social life). I have removed a person or two from my life recently because I didn’t feel they added value to my life anymore. I don’t run/walk anymore. I don’t do yoga.

I don’t really care much for social media anymore. I even deactivated my Twitter account. I would like to get rid of my person Facebook account and just keep my Page, but apparently that’s not an option. Social media is just more “stuff” and I am so tired of “stuff”. 

It’s as though all of my “stuff” is noise. The noise is overwhelming and I just need silence. 

Sometimes I feel misunderstood by people around me. There are literally a handful of people who I feel understand me, the real me. Two of these people happen to be my therapist and my psychiatrist, but hey, they get me. I have a list of people I would love to make part of my circle, people I think would also get me: Cheryl Strayed (I might be in love with this woman), Mastin Kipp (such an amazing guy and he always seems to know exactly what I’m going through), Brené Brown (she taught me about vulnerability and shame), Danielle Laport (her rawness is inspiring), and Elena Brower (together we could be the rock-stars of yoga). 

I’m tired. I am so tired all of the time. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no desire to function. All I want to do is sleep and I don’t do that very well. 

Most, if not all of it, is connected in one way or another to the abuse I’ve endured. People who say “Just get over it” frustrate me to no end. My response to those people is “you live one day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, remember the memories of abuse I’ve endured, try to remain calm when an emotion is triggered, try to pretend all is well and good for the sake of others. Then at the end of the day, let me know if you can ‘just got over it’ because it’s not that black and white, but how wonderful it would be if it were.” I am a constant mix of emotions and thoughts. 

I know what I need to do to get better but I am so damn tired all of the time that I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. Sometimes if feels like I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. This is one big merry-go-round of feeling insignificant, powerless, hopeless and then feeling positive, hopeful, empowered; only to start back over at insignificant, powerless, and hopeless. 

I often wonder if this will ever stop. Will I ever be completely healed? Will I ever overcome everything that has happened and everything that I deal with on a daily basis? Will I ever get off of this god forsaken merry-go-round?

-Dani

 

But who am I, really?

But who am I, really?

My name is Danielle. It’s the name given to me when I was born. Daniel is my Uncles name. He died much too young in a car accident on his way home from college for Christmas. A couple years after that I came along. I’m not sure to this day whether it is my Uncle Danny they honored or me by naming me after him, perhaps it’s both. I’ve always felt a very strong connection to Danny even though I never had the chance to know him. Is it the power of the name we share? Or is it something much deeper than that? I choose to believe the latter.

There are many pieces of me that make up my name, the “who” I am. My Uncle is the very first piece. Maybe that’s where I get my strength and resilience from. I could not be more proud than I am to carry on the Danny/Dani Curtis legacy. I like to think he would be proud of me. I feel like if he were still with us that he wouldn’t have let half the stuff I went through stand. Like he would’ve been my protector. Maybe he is the reason I’ve survived all that I have, maybe he’s been with me the whole time.

(Gosh I could write forever about him. Perhaps another post another day).

Who am I besides the namesake of my predecessor?

I am a survivor of abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, mental)

I am sober because I walked on a very slippery slope that would’ve lead me straight in to alcoholism. It took me some time to realize it, but I finally did. I am very proud of my sobriety (that’s the first time I’ve actually said that, “my sobriety”, I might be a little bit more proud now).

I am an adult learning to love myself.

I am an adult trying to nurture, provide safety and reassurance, love and affection, and to heal my wounded child. (this is so much harder than one might imagine it to be)

I am an adult who battles depression, complex PTSD, Adult ADHD (sans the H), codependency, and other traits that come from being victimized from such a young age and over the span of so many years (I’m not claiming that my depression or the ADHD are caused by the abuse, but the rest are directly related to it).

I am insecure.

I am often full of self-doubt

I am a lesbian. I did not choose to be; I just am. Given the hard life I have lived I don’t think if it were a choice I would’ve gone with being gay. Yes, I’ve been with men and they did absolutely nothing for me. I have zero shame that I am a lesbian. I do not feel I am sinning or going to hell for being created this way (I don’t believe in Christianity anyways, I have nothing against those who do, it’s just not for me)

I am a spiritual person, not a religious person.

I am Irish

I am one who meditates (not a religious practice, although many believe it to be)

I am an animal lover. Dogs are my first choice, but I love all animals.

I am a photographer (not professional, just for fun and clarity)

I am a lover of nature

I am not a lover of insects, snakes, most reptiles, or free roaming rodents. With that said, I don’t want to see harm come to any of them. I just want them to stay away from me.

I am one who could spend an entire day staring at a lake.

I am a sunrise and sunset kind of girl.

I am a Universe and all it’s beauty kind of girl.

I am a reader

I am a writer

I am a music lover (some music just speaks right to the soul)

I am a movie watcher

I am a favorite color and number kind of girl (blue and 2)

I am fearful.

I am jumpy, I startle easily (this is new)

I am a fixer, advice giver. I’m not always good at taking my own advice, but I am wonderful at helping others. Doing this brings me joy and fills my heart with love and happiness.

I am a college student.

I am a full-time employee

I am a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, and granddaughter

I am a friend

I am kind, loving, compassionate, and empathetic

I am an ambivert.

I am intelligent.

I am humble.

I am perfectly imperfect.

I am human.

I am all of these things and so much more.

I am me.

I am Danielle!

And I am learning to love who I am ♥

With Loving-Kindness from me to you; whoever you are ♥♥