True Self

True Self

the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me

– Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Does your outward life reflect who you are on the inside? Are you living as your true self? If your answer is no, fear not, you are not alone.

I am learning to live my life as my true self

I am learning to fearlessly live outwardly the person I am at my core and in my heart.

Too many of us are afraid to outwardly live who we are internally because we feel others will reject the authentic version of ourselves, our true self. So instead of being true to ourselves, we become the person others are accepting of and all the while harming ourselves. If we aren’t being true to ourselves than we are belittling ourselves by diminishing who our true self is. That’s some pretty intense self abuse. If we cannot be our true self with the people WE have surrounded our self with, then we need to find other people to surround our self with. 

In my life, I’ve found that I don’t always share things that I am proud of with some of my circle of people. I’ve received push-back from people within my circle, I’ve found that some people seem to get upset or offended when I do something to better myself and life; when I am making decisions and acting as my true self. I’ve found that some people doubt my ability to stick to a decision I’ve made. I will take accountability for having failed at goals and boundaries I’ve set in the past and I am confident I will fail again in my lifetime (I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, I’m human). Believe me when I say, I’ve come to embrace failure. It is in our failures and mistakes that our greatest lesson are taught.

With that having been said, if you have a friend or family member who is brave enough to get back up on that horse after falling off a hundred times before, give them the support they deserve and not doubt. They are trying. They know how hard it is. They know they have failed at this in the past. They know there is a strong possibility that they are going to fall off the horse again. If they are willing to believe in themselves enough to share their attempt at something they’ve failed at over and over again, than you damn well better support them and believe in them too. If you don’t, one day you are going to find yourself one person short in your circle of people. Changing something about yourself is never easy and it’s even harder when the people closest to you don’t believe in you. 

Now I tend to tell and share in my pride of my accomplishments with a select few. People I know will be happy for me, celebrate with me, and be proud of me for living as and up to my true self. When we make changes to better ourselves we get the opportunity to see who really belongs in our circle of people, who we may need to step back from a bit, and who just really needs to go. 

We need to strive to surround ourselves with people who will allow us to be our true self, people who appreciate us for who we truly are, people who will support us in our failures and encourage us to get back on the horse and try again, people who won’t judge us for trying to be a better version of our self and for trying to be healthier both emotionally and physically. We need to find our tribe. 

I have demons I have conquered. I have accomplishments I am proud of. I have efforts in the works that I am proud of, even at the risk of failing, because I’m trying and I will keep trying until I get it. 

And I will no longer intentionally live outwardly in a way that makes others more accepting or comfortable in their own lifestyle. If you don’t like who I am or how I live my authentic life, then you have options; you’re allowed to walk away, you’re allowed to step a little further back. You have choices, but I will no longer live in your comfort zone. I need to live in my comfort zone, I need my outward self to reflect my inward self. 

Now I become myself.

It’s taken time, many years and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people’s faces….

-May Sarton

 

 

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

I’ve reached a “now or never” point in my life. I’ve felt myself building up to it the last couple of weeks, more so this past week. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to force it. I wanted it to come in it’s own time. I knew I had to keep my mind and heart open in order for it to arrive. When it was ready, it was like a switch flipped. I literally said to myself, “I can’t stay in this spot anymore. It’s time to move forward”. Suddenly I had this awareness/clarity of my unhealthy, albeit unintentional, emotional responses. 

It’s as though I heard my own advice. I heard my therapist. I heard the Universe. I get it now. I see it. I don’t have to continue being a victim. I am not a victim anymore. I haven’t had to be a victim for many years now, but because it was the only role I knew, I got stuck there. It was my comfort zone, my very unhealthy security blanket. I didn’t know how to be anything other than a victim. 

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES 

I have control over being victimized now. I have the power to protect myself in a healthy way. I have the power to say no if I don’t like how something makes me feel. I have the power to walk away. I have the power to check my thoughts when they seem irrational. I have the power to set realistic and reasonable exceptions for myself and others. I have the power to love myself, to nurture myself, to protect myself. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility, it’s mine. If I continue to depend on others to do that for me I will spend the rest of my life dipping in and out of disappointment, suffering, and victimization (which I put on myself). 

I don’t have to live as an adult child for the rest of my life. I have a very healthy functional adult that lives inside of me. It is time to put the wounded child, the “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and the adult child in the backseat all buckled up and safe so that the functional adult can take control of the healing/recovery process. The others have done their best to protect and survive, and they have succeeded to this point. I appreciate all they’ve done to protect us over the years, but it’s time we move on to the next phase. We survived all of the abuse, now we get to focus on healing so we can live a happy healthy life. 

To my wounded child, my “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and my adult child…I’ve got this. We are going to be okay. I’m going to make sure of that. You’ve done an amazing job getting us to this point, but we can’t stay in this spot forever, we are miserable. It’s okay to let go of what we’ve always known. I know change is scary, but you have my word that this will be a wonderful change. It’s going to take time to get through this stage, so I ask that you be patient with me, stay safely secured in your seat-belts, and trust that I will get us all there safely. 

It’s time; I’m ready! 

With Loving-Kindness ♥