I Need to Get Back Up

I’ve been a bit off all day. I woke up feeling pretty good and proud of myself for going to bed at 9pm and sleeping until about 5:30am. As the day went on I progressively started to sink into some sort of weird funk (this isn’t terribly uncommon, but I can mask it well).

I’m tired, not necessarily lacking sleep tired, but emotionally exhausted. I don’t do the things I want and need to do. Instead I watch shows/movies on my laptop or surf the web. I don’t even blog much anymore. It’s like I have nothing to say. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me that continues to hold me back. I’m alive but I am not living.

When I get home tonight, instead of sitting down with my laptop for another couple of hours, I am going to sit with myself. I’m going to give myself the time and attention I clearly need to figure out what is standing in my way. I dip in and out between my functional adult, my adaptive child, and my wounded child. Lately my functional adult seems to be taking a back seat more often than I would like. I need to figure out why the other two are in control, how to get them in the back seat, and bring my functional adult to the drivers seat. If you have an understanding of these three roles then you more than likely have an understanding of how incredibly difficult this can be.

My hope is that if I allow myself to be open with myself, to be kind, patient, and gentle with myself, that I will let myself in so I can begin to process through whatever this is. So rather than listening to guided meditations I am going to sit in silence with myself and reflect on what it is I am feeling and why. Then I can bring that to my wonderful therapist and with her guidance I can process through it.

I can’t stay here, I need to get back up.

-Dani

 

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

I’ve reached a “now or never” point in my life. I’ve felt myself building up to it the last couple of weeks, more so this past week. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to force it. I wanted it to come in it’s own time. I knew I had to keep my mind and heart open in order for it to arrive. When it was ready, it was like a switch flipped. I literally said to myself, “I can’t stay in this spot anymore. It’s time to move forward”. Suddenly I had this awareness/clarity of my unhealthy, albeit unintentional, emotional responses. 

It’s as though I heard my own advice. I heard my therapist. I heard the Universe. I get it now. I see it. I don’t have to continue being a victim. I am not a victim anymore. I haven’t had to be a victim for many years now, but because it was the only role I knew, I got stuck there. It was my comfort zone, my very unhealthy security blanket. I didn’t know how to be anything other than a victim. 

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES 

I have control over being victimized now. I have the power to protect myself in a healthy way. I have the power to say no if I don’t like how something makes me feel. I have the power to walk away. I have the power to check my thoughts when they seem irrational. I have the power to set realistic and reasonable exceptions for myself and others. I have the power to love myself, to nurture myself, to protect myself. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility, it’s mine. If I continue to depend on others to do that for me I will spend the rest of my life dipping in and out of disappointment, suffering, and victimization (which I put on myself). 

I don’t have to live as an adult child for the rest of my life. I have a very healthy functional adult that lives inside of me. It is time to put the wounded child, the “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and the adult child in the backseat all buckled up and safe so that the functional adult can take control of the healing/recovery process. The others have done their best to protect and survive, and they have succeeded to this point. I appreciate all they’ve done to protect us over the years, but it’s time we move on to the next phase. We survived all of the abuse, now we get to focus on healing so we can live a happy healthy life. 

To my wounded child, my “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and my adult child…I’ve got this. We are going to be okay. I’m going to make sure of that. You’ve done an amazing job getting us to this point, but we can’t stay in this spot forever, we are miserable. It’s okay to let go of what we’ve always known. I know change is scary, but you have my word that this will be a wonderful change. It’s going to take time to get through this stage, so I ask that you be patient with me, stay safely secured in your seat-belts, and trust that I will get us all there safely. 

It’s time; I’m ready! 

With Loving-Kindness ♥