Healthy Reconnection

I spent time with someone last night that I last saw about a year ago. Back then our relationship was complicated and a bit strange. I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and asked if she could cut my hair for me, being the kind soul that she is, she of course said yes, even though it had been a year since we last saw each other and that was a somewhat strange situation. Our first two attempts at getting together to cut my hair failed. The first time was on my behalf and the second time was on her behalf, but the third time is the charm!

When I arrived at her place it was like no time had passed at all. Conversation was easy and effortless and our connection felt different, better, healthier than it had been before. There was safety and a sense of comfort between us. She told me everything that has been going on in her life during this past year, and I told her everything that has been going on in mine as well.

We gave each other space to be our authentic selves, to be vulnerable with one another, and to feel safe in doing so. We shared in laughter and each other’s heartache’s and struggles. There was authentic kindness, compassion, sympathy, empathy, and a genuine care for each other. We gave each other encouragement and support. It was easy and natural.

I will not tell her story, as it is not mine to tell, but there was a moment when she was telling me the past year of her life, where I was so overcome with excitement for her and a sense of pride for how far she has come in her journey. I could see how proud she was of herself. I don’t think there is anything I love more than when someone has a breakthrough in their life, when they have an “aha” moment, when a difficult lesson has finally been learned, when they can see how far they have come and how much they have grown, when they can see their value, their self-worth; it’s like leveling up in life. I saw all of this in her as she was sharing her year with me. Putting in the work to get there is a mother-fucker, but damnit, it’s worth it! I am so proud of her and excited for her. I can’t wait to see where her journey takes her next!

We talked about relationships, lessons learned, how necessary healthy boundaries are, and that while it is important to know what you want in a partner and relationship, it is equally, if not, more important to know what you will not accept/tolerate in a partner and relationship. (A future blog post on this).

We talked about my dad and him dying of lung cancer. As I was telling her everything from the day we found out until now, I could see in her eyes, the empathy she felt for what I (and my family) are going through. Her eyes were soft and kind and filled with compassion. She didn’t speak at all, she just sat and listened as I talked. When I was done, she looked at me, with such raw authenticity, and said, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not going to pretend to know what you are going through. I’m not going to pretend to know what to say, because I don’t know what to say other than, I’m so sorry.” I found such comfort in her words. I don’t think I can explain it. Her words were just so real, honest, and simple, but had a big impact on me. She wasn’t trying to make me feel better, or fix anything, or ease my heartache, or change the subject. She allowed me to just be, to sit with it, to feel it, and for that to be ok.

It seems a year has changed us both. We’ve both gone through some pretty heavy shit over the last year. It has allowed us to grow in so many ways. We are definitely not the same people we were the last time we saw each other. I think because of the shit we’ve both gone through over the last year, it’s allowed us to connect on a deeper level. I very much look forward to seeing were this friendship goes. It is such a wonderful thing to have true authentic friendships, relationships, connections with people.

We ended our evening with a long comforting hug. She looked at me and she said, “call me anytime if you need to talk…or if you just want to sit in silence, that’s ok too.”

Thank you, my dear friend, for a wonderful night and reconnection (and my haircut), I appreciate you deeply!

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

It’s Time To Move Forward: I’ve been here long enough

I’ve reached a “now or never” point in my life. I’ve felt myself building up to it the last couple of weeks, more so this past week. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to force it. I wanted it to come in it’s own time. I knew I had to keep my mind and heart open in order for it to arrive. When it was ready, it was like a switch flipped. I literally said to myself, “I can’t stay in this spot anymore. It’s time to move forward”. Suddenly I had this awareness/clarity of my unhealthy, albeit unintentional, emotional responses. 

It’s as though I heard my own advice. I heard my therapist. I heard the Universe. I get it now. I see it. I don’t have to continue being a victim. I am not a victim anymore. I haven’t had to be a victim for many years now, but because it was the only role I knew, I got stuck there. It was my comfort zone, my very unhealthy security blanket. I didn’t know how to be anything other than a victim. 

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES 

I have control over being victimized now. I have the power to protect myself in a healthy way. I have the power to say no if I don’t like how something makes me feel. I have the power to walk away. I have the power to check my thoughts when they seem irrational. I have the power to set realistic and reasonable exceptions for myself and others. I have the power to love myself, to nurture myself, to protect myself. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility, it’s mine. If I continue to depend on others to do that for me I will spend the rest of my life dipping in and out of disappointment, suffering, and victimization (which I put on myself). 

I don’t have to live as an adult child for the rest of my life. I have a very healthy functional adult that lives inside of me. It is time to put the wounded child, the “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and the adult child in the backseat all buckled up and safe so that the functional adult can take control of the healing/recovery process. The others have done their best to protect and survive, and they have succeeded to this point. I appreciate all they’ve done to protect us over the years, but it’s time we move on to the next phase. We survived all of the abuse, now we get to focus on healing so we can live a happy healthy life. 

To my wounded child, my “I don’t give a shit about anything” disconnected teenager, and my adult child…I’ve got this. We are going to be okay. I’m going to make sure of that. You’ve done an amazing job getting us to this point, but we can’t stay in this spot forever, we are miserable. It’s okay to let go of what we’ve always known. I know change is scary, but you have my word that this will be a wonderful change. It’s going to take time to get through this stage, so I ask that you be patient with me, stay safely secured in your seat-belts, and trust that I will get us all there safely. 

It’s time; I’m ready! 

With Loving-Kindness ♥