A Hard Pill to Swallow

I think the hardest part of emotional/mental healing is having to take a hard look inward and acknowledge the many faults and flaws I have. The unhealthy behaviors and all of the shame and guilt that go with them. For the most part, I feel I have them under control, that I am a pretty outwardly emotionally stable person (I’m a hot mess behind the curtain). Every now and then unhealthy behaviors will sneak up out of nowhere and I’m forced to confront them.

Facing my own unhealthy behaviors is a hard pill to swallow. Not only is it a hard pill to swallow but it feels like a complete setback in the healing process. It feels very defeating. I’m still not the person I strive to be. While I know I’m not the person I was, I know I’ve made significant process towards living and behaving in a healthier manner, I clearly still have work to do on my healing path. Maybe the work will never be done.

I guess it’s progress that I can identify and own my unhealthy behaviors, there was certainly a time in my life when owning my shit wasn’t my first instinct or second. I do need to work on not shutting down and closing off. My first instinct, when I’m faced with my shit and forced to acknowledge my unhealthy behaviors, is to shut down and disconnect. I’m not sure if that’s me going into protection mode or if it’s me trying to escape the shame and guilt of my behavior. A lot of self reflection takes place while I am in shut down mode. While I tend to close myself off to some, I open up to myself for some honest and painful self evaluation. This is where I am now. Shut down, filled with shame, regret, and guilt. Disappointed in myself and feeling defeated. With time I know I will come to see this as a valuable lesson on my healing path, but I’m not there yet. I have a hard pill to swallow first.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How do you do it? How do you creep up on me without me knowing?

I am sitting right at the edge of your nothingness, your dark abyss. I am here with that horrible aching numbness, that emptiness, and I am fighting with everything I have to not give in to you.

I refuse to let you bring me to my knees begging and pleading for mercy, again.  You feed on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my heartbreak, my frustration, my exhaustion; I know I feed you well.

What is so much more than that, though, is the overwhelming and relentless amount of love I have in my heart. That is too much for you to swallow. It’s your kryptonite and I am full stocked!

You may wear me down, you may bring me to my knees, and you have dragged me into an unimaginable darkness but I am so much stronger than you think and I will get back up every.fucking.time.

Depression, my old friend, you have won many battles but I am going to win the war.

Your old friend,

The Survivor