Life: Entry 1 – Happiness

As of late, the fragility of life has been at the forefront of my mind. I’m not ready to delve into the reason behind that quite yet, so until then, I’m going to write about various aspects of life. I’m not sure how many entries I will write about life, but I’m starting here, with Entry 1 and it’s going to be about happiness.

For some time now I’ve thought about my life and whether or not there been periods of my life in which I was genuinely happy? Certainly I’ve had moments of happiness throughout my life, but have I ever had a stretch of time (weeks, months, years) when I was truly happy? In times when I’ve reflected on my life, in regards to happiness, I never seem to be able to come up with a significant stretch of time when I was truly happy. Yes, I have many memories of happy moments, but that’s it, happy moments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for all of those happy moments and memories, they are wonderful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness in life over the last couple/few weeks. This time, I haven’t necessarily been thinking about my own happiness so much as I have been thinking of another’s happiness.

Tonight I was standing in my bathroom looking at myself in the mirror (this is a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. It’s hard for me to look myself in the eyes. I assume it’s due to shame and guilt from past trauma); so I’m looking myself in the eyes and thinking about another’s happiness, as well as my own, when this realization sort of came to me.

In order to be happy, we first must decide if we actually want to be happy. For some this may seem like a strange thought, right? I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy? Let me explain, as best I can…

If you have suffered prolonged trauma, especially at an early age in life, you probably struggle to find significant stretches of happiness in your life, much like myself. If you have ever and/or still do hold a belief about yourself that you are not good enough, or worthy enough, or loveable, or smart enough, or like you even matter…you likely struggle to find significant stretches of happiness in your life (side note: if you hold those beliefs about yourself, they aren’t true, you are good enough, worthy enough, loveable, smart enough, and you fucking matter!).

For those of us who have suffered prolonged trauma, it is hard for us to believe that we are even deserving of happiness in the first place. However, we still long for it, we hope for it, we want it, and we love to subconsciously self sabotage the hell out of any possibility of real happiness. True happiness sounds great, but for those of us with trauma filled lives, we have no idea how to handle real happiness. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we experience real happiness we start to convince ourselves that it’s too good to be true, it won’t last, it can’t last, somehow something is going to happen to fuck up this happiness. And so we become self-fulfilling prophecies and subconsciously sabotage our own damn happiness.

I think we often times tell ourselves that we want to be happy in life, but then our actions and decisions tend to counteract that (self-sabotage).

So, in order to be happy, we first must decide if we actually want to be happy, or maybe more accurately, if we are ready to be happy. Once we finally decide that we want and are ready to truly be happy in life, we then have to be courageous enough to accept happiness when it comes our way. We have to be willing to let it in, as terrifying as it might seem. As strong as the urge to run from it might feel, we have to be willing to embrace it. We have to start living in a way that allows and invites happiness into our lives. Because the truth of the matter is this, we do deserve happiness, we are worthy of happiness, our happiness does matter, we matter!

Life is fragile. It is temporary. That past is the past and nothing we do or say can change it; the future is not ours for the taking, it is not promised; all we have is here and now, this moment, that’s it. Life is so short and can be gone in an instant. We always think we have more time, and that is the biggest human misjudgment of all time. We have to start living like we are running out of time, because from the time we are born our time in this life starts ticking down, and none of us know when the time stops ticking; and then it’s too late. So, lean into fear, say the things that need saying, do the things that need doing, love the way you want to love, love who you want to love, take the chance, throw caution to the wind, risk it, do what makes you happy. This is it, this is your life, right here, right now, it’s yours. Be an active participant in creating your happiness; accept it, embrace it, allow it, invite it in, be happy in your own life, because life is too short for anything other than love and happiness.

With Love, Light, and Happiness!

This is How I Know

So I’ve had my heart broken today, and it’s ok. I mean it hurts, but I think it had to happen. I love her so very deeply.

A lot of people say, “You make me want to be a better person.”. So often those are just words they say, hell I’ve said the words in the past myself. However, this woman really did make me want to be a better person. I even made several changes to become a better, healthier person while we were together. I learned things from this woman and our relationship that I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

This woman has been through a lot of shit in her life. She, like many of us, has a history of trauma that she needs to heal. A lot of past wounds that are still wide open. She has had her confidence, her self-esteem, her self-worth, her true-self stripped away from her. She has a journey ahead of her to heal and rebuild herself to be the person she wants to be. The essence of who she is, is truly beautiful. She has a solid foundation to build from, she just can’t see how incredible she already is. She can’t see how worthy she already is of all of the good things life has to offer her. She can’t see how loveable she is. She can’t see her own strength and courage. I’ve been able to see her, to truly see her from the first day I looked into her eyes. She has so much pain in her eyes, but behind all of that pain is a truly beautiful soul.

Another thing people often say is, “when you truly love someone, all you will want for them is happiness, even if that happiness isn’t with you.”. I have come to a place of knowing that I truly love this woman because I don’t need her to be happy with me, I just want her to be happy. I just want the best for her. I want her to heal old wounds and past trauma so that she can finally be the person she wants to be. So she can finally be free to be herself. To love who she wants. To live and love out loud. I want her to see and know her worth. I want her to see and know her beauty. I want her to believe in herself like I believe in her. I want her to feel the strength and courage that lives inside of her. I want her to be everything she wants to be. I want her to have everything she wants. I want all of her wants and needs met. I want her to see herself the way I see her. I have seen her truly happy, she lights up a room. When she allows herself to feel like her true self, she is so kind, compassionate, understanding, loving, and just incredibly beautiful. I want her to feel like her true-self all of the time. I want her to heal and be healthy and happy. She is so deserving and worthy of healing, happiness, healthy love, healthy connections, and all the good things in life. I want to give her my strength while she builds her own. I want to give her my courage while she finds hers. I want her to fight for herself. I want her to learn to forgive herself. I want her to learn to be gentle and patient with herself. I want her to learn to love herself. I want her to courageously live her life unapologetically.

I want what’s best for her, even if that’s not me. This is how I know, I truly love this woman.