This is How I Know

So I’ve had my heart broken today, and it’s ok. I mean it hurts, but I think it had to happen. I love her so very deeply.

A lot of people say, “You make me want to be a better person.”. So often those are just words they say, hell I’ve said the words in the past myself. However, this woman really did make me want to be a better person. I even made several changes to become a better, healthier person while we were together. I learned things from this woman and our relationship that I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

This woman has been through a lot of shit in her life. She, like many of us, has a history of trauma that she needs to heal. A lot of past wounds that are still wide open. She has had her confidence, her self-esteem, her self-worth, her true-self stripped away from her. She has a journey ahead of her to heal and rebuild herself to be the person she wants to be. The essence of who she is, is truly beautiful. She has a solid foundation to build from, she just can’t see how incredible she already is. She can’t see how worthy she already is of all of the good things life has to offer her. She can’t see how loveable she is. She can’t see her own strength and courage. I’ve been able to see her, to truly see her from the first day I looked into her eyes. She has so much pain in her eyes, but behind all of that pain is a truly beautiful soul.

Another thing people often say is, “when you truly love someone, all you will want for them is happiness, even if that happiness isn’t with you.”. I have come to a place of knowing that I truly love this woman because I don’t need her to be happy with me, I just want her to be happy. I just want the best for her. I want her to heal old wounds and past trauma so that she can finally be the person she wants to be. So she can finally be free to be herself. To love who she wants. To live and love out loud. I want her to see and know her worth. I want her to see and know her beauty. I want her to believe in herself like I believe in her. I want her to feel the strength and courage that lives inside of her. I want her to be everything she wants to be. I want her to have everything she wants. I want all of her wants and needs met. I want her to see herself the way I see her. I have seen her truly happy, she lights up a room. When she allows herself to feel like her true self, she is so kind, compassionate, understanding, loving, and just incredibly beautiful. I want her to feel like her true-self all of the time. I want her to heal and be healthy and happy. She is so deserving and worthy of healing, happiness, healthy love, healthy connections, and all the good things in life. I want to give her my strength while she builds her own. I want to give her my courage while she finds hers. I want her to fight for herself. I want her to learn to forgive herself. I want her to learn to be gentle and patient with herself. I want her to learn to love herself. I want her to courageously live her life unapologetically.

I want what’s best for her, even if that’s not me. This is how I know, I truly love this woman.

Their Name

Their Name

Everyone you meet has a part to play in your story. And while some may take a chapter, others a paragraph, and most will be no more than scribbled notes in the margins, someday, you’ll meet someone who will become so integral to your life, you’ll put their name in the title.

-Beau Taplin

When I read the quote by Beau Taplin the first time, it seemed to speak directly to my heart. It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. It’s true that most people we meet are just scribbled notes in the margins of our story. But even scribbles in a margin can have a deep impact. We’ve all been someone’s scribbled notes.

What some may not know about me is that I am a bit of a romantic. I don’t often write about love unless it includes heartbreak. In large part the reason for this is because I had all but given up entirely on love. What good had come of me loving to this point. It just caused heartache and I had had enough after having my heart shattered. I tried a couple of times, but it just didn’t fit, it wasn’t right. I tried to force it, I tried to feel it, but it just wasn’t working. I couldn’t open my heart to it and at the same time I missed giving love and being loved, just not enough to open up to it again.

It’s been 3 years since my heart was shattered. 3 years since I’ve shut my heart down to the idea that I would ever experience love like that again. 3 years since I’ve had any real interest in a meaningful relationship.

Somewhere along the way in this past year I’ve let go of that hurt, the heartache, and her. She still holds a special place in my heart, but she no longer takes up the majority of it. I’ve moved on. She will forever be a chapter I fondly look back on.

With that said, my heart seems to be opening again. I’ve actually allowed myself to feel excited about the possibility of living happily ever after with the right person. I’m not quite ready to jump back in, I have things I need to work on and process before I will allow myself to become involved with anyone, but I call it progress that I’m even entertaining the idea of putting someone’s name in the title. My next relationship will be different than the rest. This time I will listen to my instincts, this time I will make healthier decisions, this time I will take things slow, this time I will invest more time getting to know one another before jumping in head first, with a little hope and help from a higher power this time will be the last time.