This Shit Ain’t Easy


Sometimes I hate having to deal with the constant battle of depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and all the shit that comes with it.

I hate that I have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I hate that this is the life I’ve been given.

I hate that everything seems like such a damn chore.

I hate the constant unsettled feeling I have inside of me.

I hate the heaviness that weighs on me day in and day out.

I hate the hyper-vigilance.

I hate the constant questioning and self doubt.

I hate cyclical good day/bad day shit and the never knowing which one it’s going to be.

I hate taking the meds I can’t miss without everything going to shit within 48 hours.

I hate the pressure I feel from everyone to just do this or just do that (if only it were that damn easy).

I hate the thought of disappointing others if I don’t do this or that.

I hate the loneliness, which is very different that being alone.

I hate the fear that holds me back.

I hate the pressure of leaning into that fear.

I hate the lack of control I have over parts of my life.

I hate that I’m not further along in the healing process than I am.

I hate that I can’t just beat this shit and move on with my life.

I hate that I don’t understand why this shit holds onto me so much or why I hold onto this shit so much.

I hate that I can’t just let it all go.

I hate that the healing process is so mother-fucking hard!



A Dark Place

A Dark Place
  • Eating
  • Hydrating
  • Sleeping
  • Bathroom Breaks
  • Showering
  • Getting Dressed
  • Getting out of Bed
  • Talking
  • Laughing
  • Working
  • Feeling
  • Thinking Logically

These all seem like pretty easy everyday tasks, right? For many people the answer is yes, but for some of us the answer is “not always” or “no”.

There is a place, a dark place. It is almost like a parallel universe. From the outside looking in everything appears fine, but on the inside, it is a universe where darkness lives. The weight of the darkness is paralyzing and suffocating. It sucks the happiness and life from your body, mind, and soul. The air is thick and breathing is difficult. The people here try to fight it, they try to over power it, but it’s useless, at least that’s how it seems in this place.

This place creates a numbness, within the people here, that is so incredibly painful. People who have never been to this place have no idea how painful numbness really is. It is like you are completely void of any emotion except hurt, sadness, agony, despair. This place causes people to feel utterly alone in the world, both the inside world and the outside world.

This place is indescribable. It is dark, it is heavy, it is suffocating, it is without hope, it is dense, it is painful, it is a private hell built for each individual person who has been there; though all of this is true, it doesn’t come anywhere near describing what this dark place is or what it feels like to be there.

Some people are lucky enough to pass through once or twice, but others aren’t so luck. Some people are regulars who have the misfortune of frequenting this dark place. While you are in this place it feels like you will be stuck there for eternity, there is no escape, this place has become a permanent residence. In time people will escape, but it feels more like a trick because this place allowed us to escape, and many of us know it is only a matter of time before it comes back for us. During the reprieve these people try to make the best of the time they’ve been given, knowing that at any moment the darkness will come calling, and never knowing how long they will be captive to it next time around.

This dark place has a name, it’s called Depression. If you’ve never visited this dark place you can’t begin to imagine what it is like. It’s not just a bad day. It’s not just feeling a lack of energy. It’s not just the feeling people get on a gloomy rainy day. It’s not something a Vitamin D supplement will cure. It’s not just a lazy day.

It is like having your heartbroken everyday. It is like losing a loved one everyday. It is like the sun has been destroyed and everyday for the rest of time will be gloomy and rainy. It is like your best friend moving to a different state everyday for the rest of your life. It is like putting your pet down day after day after day. It is like a private hell in which there is no escape. It eats at you. It brings you further and further away from goodness and happiness.  It messes with your emotions and reasonable thinking. It tricks your mind in to believing you aren’t worthy of anything good in the world.

People with chronic/clinical depression know what needs to be done to help keep this dark place at bay, but depression is a tricky little bitch. It never sends a warning or an invitation. It shows up anywhere at anytime and often for no reason at all. Once it’s got it’s grip on you and it’s pulled you into the dark place it doesn’t matter how much you know about how to help yourself, it doesn’t matter how badly you want to help yourself, it doesn’t matter how desperately you want to get up and move, to eat, to get fresh air, to sleep, to talk, to laugh, to shower, to function. Depression does not care! It is debilitating and it has a hold on you until it’s ready to let you go.

This dark place, called Depression, is very real. If you’ve never experienced all of the above, I hope that you never do. All I ask is that you don’t dismiss others who are struggling with depression. Depression, as well as all other mental health disorders, are very serious. Please respect those with it, be kind and compassionate. Don’t tell them to just “get over it”, don’t tell them “everyone goes through this” don’t belittle them, don’t tell them they are lazy, don’t make them feel worse than they already do. Just Love them and be supportive. Sometimes that might mean from a distance, but check in with them daily with a phone call or on social media. Don’t drop by unexpected, the house is probably a mess and this will cause the person to feel more shame. Let them know you care and that you’re there, without judgement, if they need you.

You never know when you could be the light in someone’s dark place. No one likes to feel alone.

For those of you who are all too familiar with this dark place, know that you are not alone. Know that sooner or later it will pass and you will have better days, even when it doesn’t feel that way…especially when it doesn’t feel that way!

You are lovable. You are worthy. You are more than enough. You matter.