and so it is

I am 2 days down of a 3 day weekend and I haven’t left my apartment since I got home Friday. I have, on the other hand, done a lot of thinking over the last 2 days.

I’ve contemplated on whether or not we just blow sunshine up our own asses and the asses of others in an attempt to feel better about what we’ve gone through, what we’re going through, and what is yet to come. Mostly in regards to abuse, neglect, being victimized, and any same or similar life tragedies. Do we ever really heal from these things? Do we ever get to know what it means to be truly happy and healthy again, hell, for the first time? Do we ever get to live a life without fear, anxiety, depression, or that God awful ache of the numbness that lives deep inside?

We say things like, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle” or “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. I call bullshit on these things. These words don’t change anything. God does give us things we can’t handle; how else do we explain suicide? The things that didn’t literally kill me, certainly killed something inside of me. Do these things really make us “stronger” or do we just learn to numb out the pain and suffering? Do we pretend we aren’t suffering as much as we are? Do we put on a strong front because it’s expected of us? Because it’s what we’ve been made to believe? Is it all just sunshine being blown up our asses?

These were my thoughts for the majority of the last 2 days.

But then…

I started questioning why does all of the abuse, neglect, and being victimized stick with us for so many years, for an eternity? Why can we never seem to shake any of it off? Why does it suck the life right out of us? And why do we feel so completely powerless to it?

Wouldn’t be great if I had answers to these questions? I wish I did but, sorry to say, I don’t.

What I do know though, is that I’m really tired of carrying all of this heavy ass baggage around with me all of the time. I am holding on to something and that something is holding on to me. I don’t know what that something is, exactly, but I need to figure out how to let it go because it is holding me down.

I can’t keep succumbing to the weight of what’s been done to me in the past. I have to let it go, I have to move forward. Everyday I am losing another day of my life to my past. What didn’t kill me allowed me to continue to breathe, but I have not been living.

I have a reality. Whether I like it or not, I do; we all do. My reality is this…

I’ve been physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally abused, and I’ve been raped. And that’s just part of my reality. I’ve seen shit no one should see, I’ve been in places no one should go, I’ve heard things I can’t unhear, I know things I can’t unknow, and I’ve experienced things no one should ever have to.

All of those things are my reality. There is not a damn thing I can do to change any of it. I don’t have the power to rewrite history. I can’t pretend I didn’t go through everything I went through. I can’t pretend my reality is different than it actually is. My life was my life. That’s it. Period.

So then what?

So now I need to come to terms with all of it. I need to let go of the anger. I need to let go of the resentment. I need to let go of all of the negative emotions that I hold so tightly. I need to let go and own my reality. Continuing to fight it hasn’t been working too well for me. Now I need to learn to embrace it with compassion rather than to grip it with anger. It is what it is and it just is.

…and so it is.

I Got Back Up!

I Got Back Up!

My goal for this weekend was to practice Yoga, Meditate, and to get back into a walk/run routine. How did I do?

My Face

I got my walk/run in! 1.8 miles, my time wasn’t great but I wasn’t expecting it to be. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out for a walk/run. I also had to do a lot more walking than running due to my back, but I will return to more running and less walking in time. Either way, I’m very proud of myself for getting out there; and I needed an excuse to wear my new running shoes.

Shoes (2)

For a couple of years now, I’ve admired this house along one of my paths. It’s right on Christmas Lake. Today, while I was walking by, I noticed it was for sale. Not that I am anywhere near being able to afford the house, but it provided me an opportunity to daydream about a future life in the house where the love of my life and I would live with our dog and possibly a child or two. We would tootle around the lake with our pontoon or perhaps our paddle boards! Enjoy quiet sunsets over the stillness of the lake and watch the sunrise while enjoying morning coffee.

Without Sign

It’s a beautiful house and it was easy to get lost in the daydream, but truth be told, I don’t need that grand of a house. I’m a simple girl with simple needs. I also saw a twin home for rent on my path. No lake view or anything, but it was cute (I didn’t take a picture of that one). I wouldn’t be able to afford it on my own, at least not right now. With a roommate or partner it would’ve been doable. Another time, another place. I’m content where I am for now.

Once I returned from my walk/run it was time to do some Yoga. So I did my 15 minute practice for lower back pain. It felt great and I am hoping it’ll help with the soreness tomorrow.

From my Yoga practice I went straight to my cushion for my 20 minute meditation practice. My cushion is currently located right in front of my patio door. It was such a beautiful day so I opened my patio door and sat in silence with myself, my breath, the sounds of birds chirping from the branches of the Maple outside my apartment, the sound of children laughing and playing, and the comings and goings of traffic. The breeze blew gently across my skin and through my hair. The smell of Spring flooded my surroundings. Thoughts came and went, never lingering for too long. I was in a peaceful state, I was in the moment.

I accomplished my goal for Saturday and I am very much looking forward to doing it all over again tomorrow.

I got back up! I always do. You can knock me down, but you can’t keep me down.

A special thank you to a special person for inspiring and encouraging goal setting, and thank you for picking me to do this with. Today I am grateful for you!

To anyone who has ever been down or felt like they’ve been knocked down, never stop fighting to get back up. Never stay down. You are worth getting back up for!!

-Dani