I Need to Get Back Up

I’ve been a bit off all day. I woke up feeling pretty good and proud of myself for going to bed at 9pm and sleeping until about 5:30am. As the day went on I progressively started to sink into some sort of weird funk (this isn’t terribly uncommon, but I can mask it well).

I’m tired, not necessarily lacking sleep tired, but emotionally exhausted. I don’t do the things I want and need to do. Instead I watch shows/movies on my laptop or surf the web. I don’t even blog much anymore. It’s like I have nothing to say. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me that continues to hold me back. I’m alive but I am not living.

When I get home tonight, instead of sitting down with my laptop for another couple of hours, I am going to sit with myself. I’m going to give myself the time and attention I clearly need to figure out what is standing in my way. I dip in and out between my functional adult, my adaptive child, and my wounded child. Lately my functional adult seems to be taking a back seat more often than I would like. I need to figure out why the other two are in control, how to get them in the back seat, and bring my functional adult to the drivers seat. If you have an understanding of these three roles then you more than likely have an understanding of how incredibly difficult this can be.

My hope is that if I allow myself to be open with myself, to be kind, patient, and gentle with myself, that I will let myself in so I can begin to process through whatever this is. So rather than listening to guided meditations I am going to sit in silence with myself and reflect on what it is I am feeling and why. Then I can bring that to my wonderful therapist and with her guidance I can process through it.

I can’t stay here, I need to get back up.

-Dani

 

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Abuse is a bitch. I’ve been out of abuse’s reach for many years and yet it is still very present in my everyday life.

I’ve been sexually and physically abused by a member of my extended family (lasted approx 8 yrs. It ended about 25 years ago and I still can’t get the words out of my mouth to describe what he did to me). I’ve been verbally/mentally/emotionally abused (during my childhood and periodically throughout my adult years). I’m an ACoA (should be attending meetings, but I don’t. Fear of rejection, insecurities, and social anxiety keep me from attending. I’m still hopeful that I will get there someday). I’m not in the program nor have I ever been so I’m not sure if I would identify with being in “recovery” but I no longer drink alcohol because I realized I had a drinking problem (there might come a day when I feel I have control over it and will drink occasionally but never to the point of intoxication. For now I just don’t drink and I may never again).

Daily I battle depression, C-PTSD ( AKA complex trauma/developmental trauma), Codependency, anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, love addiction, and other related issues. 

My self-care is minimal at best. I do the basics: shower daily, have a FT+ job, eat enough to stay alive (not healthy foods though), I take my meds everyday (for the most part). I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat a nutritional diet (I would hardly call what I eat a diet at all on any level. Mostly granola bars and cheese and crackers). I don’t drink anywhere near enough fluids, I get no exercise, and I clean my apartment only when it needs it (I’m inching my way towards becoming a low to mid-level minimalist though so that should make cleaning seem much more manageable. I just have too much “stuff” right now and it makes me feel suffocated. It exhausts me).

Very seldom do I ever do anything that brings me joy. I haven’t taken my camera out in a year or more. I meditate like once a month, if that. I don’t spend time with my friends (work plays a big part in that though. Overnights don’t allow for much of a social life). I have removed a person or two from my life recently because I didn’t feel they added value to my life anymore. I don’t run/walk anymore. I don’t do yoga.

I don’t really care much for social media anymore. I even deactivated my Twitter account. I would like to get rid of my person Facebook account and just keep my Page, but apparently that’s not an option. Social media is just more “stuff” and I am so tired of “stuff”. 

It’s as though all of my “stuff” is noise. The noise is overwhelming and I just need silence. 

Sometimes I feel misunderstood by people around me. There are literally a handful of people who I feel understand me, the real me. Two of these people happen to be my therapist and my psychiatrist, but hey, they get me. I have a list of people I would love to make part of my circle, people I think would also get me: Cheryl Strayed (I might be in love with this woman), Mastin Kipp (such an amazing guy and he always seems to know exactly what I’m going through), Brené Brown (she taught me about vulnerability and shame), Danielle Laport (her rawness is inspiring), and Elena Brower (together we could be the rock-stars of yoga). 

I’m tired. I am so tired all of the time. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no desire to function. All I want to do is sleep and I don’t do that very well. 

Most, if not all of it, is connected in one way or another to the abuse I’ve endured. People who say “Just get over it” frustrate me to no end. My response to those people is “you live one day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, remember the memories of abuse I’ve endured, try to remain calm when an emotion is triggered, try to pretend all is well and good for the sake of others. Then at the end of the day, let me know if you can ‘just got over it’ because it’s not that black and white, but how wonderful it would be if it were.” I am a constant mix of emotions and thoughts. 

I know what I need to do to get better but I am so damn tired all of the time that I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. Sometimes if feels like I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. This is one big merry-go-round of feeling insignificant, powerless, hopeless and then feeling positive, hopeful, empowered; only to start back over at insignificant, powerless, and hopeless. 

I often wonder if this will ever stop. Will I ever be completely healed? Will I ever overcome everything that has happened and everything that I deal with on a daily basis? Will I ever get off of this god forsaken merry-go-round?

-Dani