But who am I, really?

But who am I, really?

My name is Danielle. It’s the name given to me when I was born. Daniel is my Uncles name. He died much too young in a car accident on his way home from college for Christmas. A couple years after that I came along. I’m not sure to this day whether it is my Uncle Danny they honored or me by naming me after him, perhaps it’s both. I’ve always felt a very strong connection to Danny even though I never had the chance to know him. Is it the power of the name we share? Or is it something much deeper than that? I choose to believe the latter.

There are many pieces of me that make up my name, the “who” I am. My Uncle is the very first piece. Maybe that’s where I get my strength and resilience from. I could not be more proud than I am to carry on the Danny/Dani Curtis legacy. I like to think he would be proud of me. I feel like if he were still with us that he wouldn’t have let half the stuff I went through stand. Like he would’ve been my protector. Maybe he is the reason I’ve survived all that I have, maybe he’s been with me the whole time.

(Gosh I could write forever about him. Perhaps another post another day).

Who am I besides the namesake of my predecessor?

I am a survivor of abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, mental)

I am sober because I walked on a very slippery slope that would’ve lead me straight in to alcoholism. It took me some time to realize it, but I finally did. I am very proud of my sobriety (that’s the first time I’ve actually said that, “my sobriety”, I might be a little bit more proud now).

I am an adult learning to love myself.

I am an adult trying to nurture, provide safety and reassurance, love and affection, and to heal my wounded child. (this is so much harder than one might imagine it to be)

I am an adult who battles depression, complex PTSD, Adult ADHD (sans the H), codependency, and other traits that come from being victimized from such a young age and over the span of so many years (I’m not claiming that my depression or the ADHD are caused by the abuse, but the rest are directly related to it).

I am insecure.

I am often full of self-doubt

I am a lesbian. I did not choose to be; I just am. Given the hard life I have lived I don’t think if it were a choice I would’ve gone with being gay. Yes, I’ve been with men and they did absolutely nothing for me. I have zero shame that I am a lesbian. I do not feel I am sinning or going to hell for being created this way (I don’t believe in Christianity anyways, I have nothing against those who do, it’s just not for me)

I am a spiritual person, not a religious person.

I am Irish

I am one who meditates (not a religious practice, although many believe it to be)

I am an animal lover. Dogs are my first choice, but I love all animals.

I am a photographer (not professional, just for fun and clarity)

I am a lover of nature

I am not a lover of insects, snakes, most reptiles, or free roaming rodents. With that said, I don’t want to see harm come to any of them. I just want them to stay away from me.

I am one who could spend an entire day staring at a lake.

I am a sunrise and sunset kind of girl.

I am a Universe and all it’s beauty kind of girl.

I am a reader

I am a writer

I am a music lover (some music just speaks right to the soul)

I am a movie watcher

I am a favorite color and number kind of girl (blue and 2)

I am fearful.

I am jumpy, I startle easily (this is new)

I am a fixer, advice giver. I’m not always good at taking my own advice, but I am wonderful at helping others. Doing this brings me joy and fills my heart with love and happiness.

I am a college student.

I am a full-time employee

I am a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, and granddaughter

I am a friend

I am kind, loving, compassionate, and empathetic

I am an ambivert.

I am intelligent.

I am humble.

I am perfectly imperfect.

I am human.

I am all of these things and so much more.

I am me.

I am Danielle!

And I am learning to love who I am ♥

With Loving-Kindness from me to you; whoever you are ♥♥

 

 

I am: Words to My Abusers

I am: Words to My Abusers

I am not what you did to me

I am not the weak little girl you wanted me to be

I am not the scared little girl you made me out to be

I am not the emotions you made me feel

I am not the “no” you wanted me to say; I refused to give you that power

I am not the little girl, whose sexual freedom, you wanted to set free; little did you know a different abuser beat you to it

I am not less than anyone

I am not unworthy of healthy love

I am not unworthy of respect

I am not as dumb as you thought I was

I am not a cunt

I am not a slut

I am not a whore

I am the one who picked myself up after you knocked me down, time and time again

I am the one who heals that wounded little girl you tried to break; you thought you were strong but I am stronger

I am not the weak one; you are the weak one

I am courageously facing what you’ve done to me while you hide in the shadows of lies and denial; you cannot hide in those shadows from me; we both know what you’ve done

I am the one who was strong enough to break the cycle of abuse; you nearly had me, but I refused to let you turn me into that; I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU!!!

I am the one who turned the damage you did to me into a strength

I am the guilt you’ve had to live with and will continue to live with

I am the shame you carry for what you’ve done

I am the self-loathing you feel for what you’ve done

I am the reason you redirect your gaze when I walk into a room

I am the presence that silences you

I am the one you victimized; you are the one who has to live with that

I am no longer your victim

I am going to be okay

I am stronger for what you’ve done to me; don’t expect a thank you

I am the one who will look back on what you’ve done to me and I will know that I am not the one to blame; I did nothing wrong; I did nothing to deserve what you did to me; it wasn’t my fault then and it isn’t my fault now; YOU are the one at fault.

I am strong; I am courageous; I am brave; I am a fighter

I am kind; I am compassionate; I am empathetic; I am loving; I am caring

I am not your victim

I am not your victim

I AM NOT YOUR VICTIM

I AM ME

I AM A SURVIVOR

To all of the strong and courageous abuse survivors, I share a slightly altered version of one of my favorite quotes: 

You didn’t break me, darling. You don’t own that kind of power.

– Unknown

Keep fighting for yourself. Do NOT let anyone make you feel less than, unworthy, or unlovable. You are more than, you are worthy, and you are so very lovable. You, My Dear, are a survivor. 

Let us be empowered by the hell we’ve survived. Let us find strength in our healing. Let us take our lives back. 

 

With the strength and courage of a survivor,

I extend Loving-Kindness to all other survivors ♥