Perfectly Incomplete

Perfectly Incomplete

I’m perfectly incomplete
I’m still working on my masterpiece and I
I wanna hang with the greatest gotta
Way to go, but it’s worth the wait, no
You haven’t seen the best of me
I’m still working on my masterpiece

Read more: Jessie J – Masterpiece Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that in order to help, inspire, encourage, guide, and/or give advice to others who have been or are going through what I’ve been through, I couldn’t still be suffering and struggling with my day to day. I thought I had to be through the worst of the worst of it. Some, who haven’t suffered abuse, might think that the worst of the worst is the actual abuse itself, but that’s not the case; at least it isn’t for me.

Processing it, feeling it and I mean really feeling it, facing it, owning it, accepting it, coming to terms with the horrible things you’ve lived through and knowing that there is not a Goddamn thing that you or anyone else will ever be able to do to change what happened. That is the worst of the worst of it. That’s the bitch of it. It’s easy to pretend like nothing ever happened. It’s easy to just stuff it all down, justify it, normalize it, and make it ok, or at the very least make it something manageable that can be lived with.

I’ve been a victim of many various types of abuse and I survived all of it. Maybe from the outside I seem like I’ve got my shit together, and sometimes I actually do. I have good days, where life seems normal (whatever the hell that even means). I have days where I can live out the advice I give to others. Even on the days I can’t live out my own advice, I still wholeheartedly believe that the advice I give is sound. I just can’t bring myself to follow it sometimes.

I’ve thought myself a fraud because I still have terrible days filled with depression, codependency, insecurities, feeling worthless, insignificant, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, not smart enough, inept, and the list could go on forever.

I’m still easily triggered. My emotions are still on high alert, probably even more so now with really delving into the processing part of all of my past abuse. I can still be very reactive and quick to respond. I take some things very personally when I shouldn’t. I’m often filled with doubt. I often let my insecurities and old emotional patterns/habits get the best of me.

I know mindfulness (meditation, being in the present moment), exercise (yoga, run/walk), eating a well balanced diet, and attending support groups/meetings will do wonders for my healing process. I suggest doing these things to everyone I give advice to. It works, I know because I’ve done these things before and I felt much better. But these aren’t things you just wake up one morning and decide you’re going to do. Not when you’ve been emotionally stunted for so many years. Not when you can’t get yourself out of bed just to move to the next room to watch tv all day. Not when you’ve thought yourself worthless for so long. Not when you’ve failed at so many other things, why set yourself up for failure again? Making these kinds of positive changes in your life take time. It’s not just a decision, it takes time and energy and focus and courage and strength and a strong will and an ability to set and hold a boundary. Many of us survivors of abuse either completely lack or are very deficient in all of those areas.

If healing from abuse were easy everyone would be doing it. But it’s not and we aren’t all doing it. Some of us are still very stuck and afraid to seek the help we need and deserve. The fear is warranted, the healing process is fucking ugly! It hurts like hell, the memories, the images, the emotions…it’s like a living hell, but it is a very necessary hell that we must go through in order to go on living a happy and healthy life.

I’ve come so far in the last couple of years in therapy. I am not the same person I was when I started therapy, I can say that without a doubt. I’ve grown, I’ve transformed, my mind has opened to new things, I’m more awake in my own life. Yes sometimes that’s hard, but sometimes it’s pretty damn amazing too.

I’ve got a lot of work to do in my healing process and I can’t keep forcing what’s not ready to happen yet. It’s making me feel shitty. Healing is going to happen in it’s time, but I need to be an active part in the process.

So, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to give myself an authoritative label on the recovery and healing process from abuse. I can give hope, inspiration, and encouragement through my healing journey, but that’s all I can offer at this time. I’m not ready to give more of myself than I even have to give. I still have so much healing to do. My wounds are incredibly deep. I’m not a victim anymore, that I know. I am a survivor, I know that too. But I am not thriving in my life. I am not Living Daily. I want to be, I aim to be, I will be, I’m just not today.

I’m going to take the time I need, I’m going to reinvent myself, I’m going to heal; and when I’m ready, I will come back with an arsenal of advice, guidance, suggestions, empowering stories, and I will be ready to help others fight their way through the healing process.

Until then I have no idea how often I will post, I have no idea what the subject matter will be when I do post.

Danielle Curtis, just a girl trying to make it

 

Bring it!

Bring it!

The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it.

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar

Has truer advice ever been given? I don’t think so.

One of the women I respect and admire for their courage and strength is Cheryl Strayed. If you haven’t already, I strongly recommend you read her book, Tiny Beautiful ThingsIf you haven’t heard of her, Reese Witherspoon plays the role of Cheryl Strayed in the movie Wildwhich is the story of Cheryl’s solo hike of more than 1,000 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail. Wild is also a book. I haven’t read it, but I did see the movie. This woman is amazing. She has had a hellish life, she tackled the motherfucking shit out of it, and has a successful life giving advice, encouragement, support, and words of wisdom to others on life and love via her Dear Sugar podcast. She is also the author of Torch (Haven’t read yet) and Brave Enoughwhich is a collection of Cheryl quotes (and is amazing). Anyway, this post isn’t about Cheryl or plugging her books or podcast (but seriously, check her out). I came to know her by way of my therapist, who happens to be another woman I respect and admire. 

You don’t need me to tell you that life doesn’t always go the way we would like. Sometimes bad things happen to us and/or our loved ones; death of a loved one, divorce, heartbreak, fired, mental disorders (disordered mind), abuse, addictions, and countless other possibilities. 

In the face of these tragic life occurrences/events, we need to allow ourselves time to mourn and come to terms with what’s happened. Don’t stuff it down, or distract yourself, or use substances to kill the feelings. Let yourself feel them. Sit with your feelings, feel all of the hurt that comes, don’t close off to it, cry your eyes out, don’t get out of bed for a couple of days, just let yourself hurt. It is so okay to hurt, and to feel the hurt. Once you’ve allowed yourself a reasonable amount of time to feel, cry, hurt, and you’ve stayed in bed a day or two (no more than two days, you will get stuck if you push it longer than that), then it’s time to take the next step. I’m not saying you have to forget what happened, I’m not saying you have to forgive what happened, I’m saying you have to keep living.

In the very wise words of Cheryl, it’s time to tackle the motherfucking shit out of life. It’s time to face it head on. You are cried out, you’ve let yourself feel the worst of the worst pain of the shit storm life handed you. Now you need to stand up on your wobbly legs and begin moving forward. If you need treatment, then seek it. If you need a therapist, then get one. If you need a support group, then find one. Whatever you need to keep moving forward in life go out and get it. Do not let the pain of whatever happened stop you from living. You have this life, it’s yours. Own it, embrace it, rise above, overcome, heal, fight for it. 

If it’s addiction, kick it’s ass. Whatever the substance is, you don’t need it. Dig deeper, let your mind and your heart explore what the underlying problem is. What are you trying to drown out? What are you trying to not feel? What are you trying to numb? Get yourself into treatment, talk to a counselor/therapist, work it out so you can save your life; because believe it or not, your life is worth saving!

If it’s a mental health issue you’re struggling with, then get help. Get a therapist, get on meds, treat it holistically (if it’s effective), be more active (go for walks, do yoga, join a gym), meditate to calm your mind, eat a healthier diet (I would suggest any of these or all of these in combination with a therapy. Therapist wasn’t so much and option or suggestion, as it was a requirement). 

If it’s the death of a loved one that you are struggling with, then find a grief support group. Go to meetings with others who are going through what you are, who can understand and relate to the pain you are feeling. Connect with people who have gone through this and have come out the other side of this pain able to live their life again. If this isn’t enough then find a therapist, maybe temporarily get on some meds to balance your emotions until you’re on more stable emotional ground. 

If it is childhood abuse you are struggling with then go to the phone right now, pick it up, and schedule an appointment with a therapist because I can guaran-damn-tee you will not be able to process through the mind-fuck that comes with that on your own. There is no amount of walking, yoga, meditation, healthy eating, holistic remedies that will help you fully work through and process all of the emotional wounds that have been cut so incredibly deep. You cannot even begin to imagine, to comprehend, to wrap your mind around how far-reaching the damage of childhood abuse is until you’ve seen a therapist and you’ve done the work, and you’ve opened your mind and heart, and you have been so completely and brutally honest with yourself. I don’t think it even matters much what type of childhood abuse you’ve suffered, it is all so damaging and ingrained. Having experienced just about every form of abuse possible, I would say for myself, that the mental/emotional abuse is the worst. That shit has lasting damage that you don’t even realize for years after, or until you seek therapy, even still it takes time to realize how damaging it was. It creeps into every part of your life, no exaggeration, it affects every single part of your life. So, if abuse is what you’re struggling with, stop reading now and call a therapist. 

This is what I take Cheryl’s words of wisdom to mean….whatever it is that life has to throw at you, you’ve just gotta deal with it head on. The emotions are in you, they aren’t going anywhere and neither are you; unless you want to live a miserable life, you and your emotional trauma need to figure out a way to live together and work as a team to process through all of the pain, hurt, and suffering that is keeping you from truly living your life. 

And it is YOUR life, so tackle the motherfucking shit out of it!