This is How I Know

So I’ve had my heart broken today, and it’s ok. I mean it hurts, but I think it had to happen. I love her so very deeply.

A lot of people say, “You make me want to be a better person.”. So often those are just words they say, hell I’ve said the words in the past myself. However, this woman really did make me want to be a better person. I even made several changes to become a better, healthier person while we were together. I learned things from this woman and our relationship that I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

This woman has been through a lot of shit in her life. She, like many of us, has a history of trauma that she needs to heal. A lot of past wounds that are still wide open. She has had her confidence, her self-esteem, her self-worth, her true-self stripped away from her. She has a journey ahead of her to heal and rebuild herself to be the person she wants to be. The essence of who she is, is truly beautiful. She has a solid foundation to build from, she just can’t see how incredible she already is. She can’t see how worthy she already is of all of the good things life has to offer her. She can’t see how loveable she is. She can’t see her own strength and courage. I’ve been able to see her, to truly see her from the first day I looked into her eyes. She has so much pain in her eyes, but behind all of that pain is a truly beautiful soul.

Another thing people often say is, “when you truly love someone, all you will want for them is happiness, even if that happiness isn’t with you.”. I have come to a place of knowing that I truly love this woman because I don’t need her to be happy with me, I just want her to be happy. I just want the best for her. I want her to heal old wounds and past trauma so that she can finally be the person she wants to be. So she can finally be free to be herself. To love who she wants. To live and love out loud. I want her to see and know her worth. I want her to see and know her beauty. I want her to believe in herself like I believe in her. I want her to feel the strength and courage that lives inside of her. I want her to be everything she wants to be. I want her to have everything she wants. I want all of her wants and needs met. I want her to see herself the way I see her. I have seen her truly happy, she lights up a room. When she allows herself to feel like her true self, she is so kind, compassionate, understanding, loving, and just incredibly beautiful. I want her to feel like her true-self all of the time. I want her to heal and be healthy and happy. She is so deserving and worthy of healing, happiness, healthy love, healthy connections, and all the good things in life. I want to give her my strength while she builds her own. I want to give her my courage while she finds hers. I want her to fight for herself. I want her to learn to forgive herself. I want her to learn to be gentle and patient with herself. I want her to learn to love herself. I want her to courageously live her life unapologetically.

I want what’s best for her, even if that’s not me. This is how I know, I truly love this woman.

Dear Dani: A letter, an apology, a commitment to myself

Dear Dani,

I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of the terrible things you’ve endured in your life. You didn’t deserve any of it and none of it was your fault. You were a child, you experienced terrible things and kept them a secret. You were scared and felt very alone in what you were going through.

As you got older you found that similar experiences repeated themselves. You felt like you had no control of anything. Life was just one experience after another, ugly things continued to happen to you and in your life, and you did the best you could to get through it all. You were still really a child, even though as a teenager that wasn’t how you saw yourself, but you were. Like all teenagers you thought you knew everything, but later years taught you that you had no idea. What you learned to this point in your life was how to manage your chaos and you did so by building massive walls and shutting down any real emotion or connection to anyone. It was what you had to do to survive. For awhile it seemed like you were ok. No one could hurt you because you had constructed such a strong exterior. I am sorry that you were brought to a place in your young life that forced you to lock everyone out or rather to lock yourself in, to shut down your very own emotions, to have to become so closed off in order to not feel the pain of everything you had endured and were continuing to endure. I am sorry you had to carry that kind of pain.

What I am most sorry for is that even as an adult I’ve treated you the same as so many others have. I’ve neglected you; I’ve disrespected you; I’ve abused you emotionally and verbally; I’ve knowingly walked you into heartache; I’ve made regrettable decisions you’ve had to live with; I’ve let you down time and time again. I am so sorry that I, too, victimized you. You did nothing to deserve any of this and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the ways I’ve wronged you. No rush, take all of the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.

I didn’t know how to love and care for you the way that you so desperately needed me to, and I’m still learning. The more I learn the more I admire you. Everything that you have been through, endured, seen, heard, felt…you’re still standing. No matter how many times you’ve been knocked down you always get back up. You have a strength inside of you, a will, a desire, a passion that is so incredibly powerful; and that my Darling, is something to be admired. I haven’t always seen you as having that kind of strength and that is another thing I am sorry for. I have underestimated you and your ability so many times. Again, I didn’t know how to love and care for you. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behaviors and actions towards you but, given everything we’ve been through, I think we could ease up on ourselves a little. It’s amazing we are even still alive and I owe that to you! Without your strength, resilience, and determination there is no way we would’ve come this far and I will forever be grateful for your ability to get back up when it would’ve been so much easier just stay down. Thank you for fighting for us.

Sweetheart, you’ve carried more than enough of the load on your own for far too long, I’m going to take it from here. I know you don’t trust me and you have every reason in the world not to. I’ve not been here for you like you needed me to be, you’ve never been able to depend on me, I’ve put you at risk and in danger numerous times but I am asking you to please trust me one more time and to be patient with me as we go forward, as I said, I am still learning.

My commitment to you as we go forward:

I promise I will do my best not to let you down.

I promise I will put you first and I will always protect you.

I promise I won’t knowingly put you in any more unhealthy situations.

I promise to do a much better job at loving and caring for you and meeting your needs.

I promise I will clear a path for you to follow your dreams, passions, and desires.

I promise I will keep us working towards thriving rather than just surviving.

And I promise to listen when you tell me that you’re not okay.

I will not abandon you. I am right here. You are not alone.

 

With Love,

Your Functional Adult Self