Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Stop the ride please, I’m ready to get off

Abuse is a bitch. I’ve been out of abuse’s reach for many years and yet it is still very present in my everyday life.

I’ve been sexually and physically abused by a member of my extended family (lasted approx 8 yrs. It ended about 25 years ago and I still can’t get the words out of my mouth to describe what he did to me). I’ve been verbally/mentally/emotionally abused (during my childhood and periodically throughout my adult years). I’m an ACoA (should be attending meetings, but I don’t. Fear of rejection, insecurities, and social anxiety keep me from attending. I’m still hopeful that I will get there someday). I’m not in the program nor have I ever been so I’m not sure if I would identify with being in “recovery” but I no longer drink alcohol because I realized I had a drinking problem (there might come a day when I feel I have control over it and will drink occasionally but never to the point of intoxication. For now I just don’t drink and I may never again).

Daily I battle depression, C-PTSD ( AKA complex trauma/developmental trauma), Codependency, anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, love addiction, and other related issues. 

My self-care is minimal at best. I do the basics: shower daily, have a FT+ job, eat enough to stay alive (not healthy foods though), I take my meds everyday (for the most part). I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat a nutritional diet (I would hardly call what I eat a diet at all on any level. Mostly granola bars and cheese and crackers). I don’t drink anywhere near enough fluids, I get no exercise, and I clean my apartment only when it needs it (I’m inching my way towards becoming a low to mid-level minimalist though so that should make cleaning seem much more manageable. I just have too much “stuff” right now and it makes me feel suffocated. It exhausts me).

Very seldom do I ever do anything that brings me joy. I haven’t taken my camera out in a year or more. I meditate like once a month, if that. I don’t spend time with my friends (work plays a big part in that though. Overnights don’t allow for much of a social life). I have removed a person or two from my life recently because I didn’t feel they added value to my life anymore. I don’t run/walk anymore. I don’t do yoga.

I don’t really care much for social media anymore. I even deactivated my Twitter account. I would like to get rid of my person Facebook account and just keep my Page, but apparently that’s not an option. Social media is just more “stuff” and I am so tired of “stuff”. 

It’s as though all of my “stuff” is noise. The noise is overwhelming and I just need silence. 

Sometimes I feel misunderstood by people around me. There are literally a handful of people who I feel understand me, the real me. Two of these people happen to be my therapist and my psychiatrist, but hey, they get me. I have a list of people I would love to make part of my circle, people I think would also get me: Cheryl Strayed (I might be in love with this woman), Mastin Kipp (such an amazing guy and he always seems to know exactly what I’m going through), Brené Brown (she taught me about vulnerability and shame), Danielle Laport (her rawness is inspiring), and Elena Brower (together we could be the rock-stars of yoga). 

I’m tired. I am so tired all of the time. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no desire to function. All I want to do is sleep and I don’t do that very well. 

Most, if not all of it, is connected in one way or another to the abuse I’ve endured. People who say “Just get over it” frustrate me to no end. My response to those people is “you live one day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, remember the memories of abuse I’ve endured, try to remain calm when an emotion is triggered, try to pretend all is well and good for the sake of others. Then at the end of the day, let me know if you can ‘just got over it’ because it’s not that black and white, but how wonderful it would be if it were.” I am a constant mix of emotions and thoughts. 

I know what I need to do to get better but I am so damn tired all of the time that I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. Sometimes if feels like I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. This is one big merry-go-round of feeling insignificant, powerless, hopeless and then feeling positive, hopeful, empowered; only to start back over at insignificant, powerless, and hopeless. 

I often wonder if this will ever stop. Will I ever be completely healed? Will I ever overcome everything that has happened and everything that I deal with on a daily basis? Will I ever get off of this god forsaken merry-go-round?



Perfectly Incomplete

Perfectly Incomplete

I’m perfectly incomplete
I’m still working on my masterpiece and I
I wanna hang with the greatest gotta
Way to go, but it’s worth the wait, no
You haven’t seen the best of me
I’m still working on my masterpiece

Read more: Jessie J – Masterpiece Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that in order to help, inspire, encourage, guide, and/or give advice to others who have been or are going through what I’ve been through, I couldn’t still be suffering and struggling with my day to day. I thought I had to be through the worst of the worst of it. Some, who haven’t suffered abuse, might think that the worst of the worst is the actual abuse itself, but that’s not the case; at least it isn’t for me.

Processing it, feeling it and I mean really feeling it, facing it, owning it, accepting it, coming to terms with the horrible things you’ve lived through and knowing that there is not a Goddamn thing that you or anyone else will ever be able to do to change what happened. That is the worst of the worst of it. That’s the bitch of it. It’s easy to pretend like nothing ever happened. It’s easy to just stuff it all down, justify it, normalize it, and make it ok, or at the very least make it something manageable that can be lived with.

I’ve been a victim of many various types of abuse and I survived all of it. Maybe from the outside I seem like I’ve got my shit together, and sometimes I actually do. I have good days, where life seems normal (whatever the hell that even means). I have days where I can live out the advice I give to others. Even on the days I can’t live out my own advice, I still wholeheartedly believe that the advice I give is sound. I just can’t bring myself to follow it sometimes.

I’ve thought myself a fraud because I still have terrible days filled with depression, codependency, insecurities, feeling worthless, insignificant, unwanted, unloved, not good enough, not smart enough, inept, and the list could go on forever.

I’m still easily triggered. My emotions are still on high alert, probably even more so now with really delving into the processing part of all of my past abuse. I can still be very reactive and quick to respond. I take some things very personally when I shouldn’t. I’m often filled with doubt. I often let my insecurities and old emotional patterns/habits get the best of me.

I know mindfulness (meditation, being in the present moment), exercise (yoga, run/walk), eating a well balanced diet, and attending support groups/meetings will do wonders for my healing process. I suggest doing these things to everyone I give advice to. It works, I know because I’ve done these things before and I felt much better. But these aren’t things you just wake up one morning and decide you’re going to do. Not when you’ve been emotionally stunted for so many years. Not when you can’t get yourself out of bed just to move to the next room to watch tv all day. Not when you’ve thought yourself worthless for so long. Not when you’ve failed at so many other things, why set yourself up for failure again? Making these kinds of positive changes in your life take time. It’s not just a decision, it takes time and energy and focus and courage and strength and a strong will and an ability to set and hold a boundary. Many of us survivors of abuse either completely lack or are very deficient in all of those areas.

If healing from abuse were easy everyone would be doing it. But it’s not and we aren’t all doing it. Some of us are still very stuck and afraid to seek the help we need and deserve. The fear is warranted, the healing process is fucking ugly! It hurts like hell, the memories, the images, the emotions…it’s like a living hell, but it is a very necessary hell that we must go through in order to go on living a happy and healthy life.

I’ve come so far in the last couple of years in therapy. I am not the same person I was when I started therapy, I can say that without a doubt. I’ve grown, I’ve transformed, my mind has opened to new things, I’m more awake in my own life. Yes sometimes that’s hard, but sometimes it’s pretty damn amazing too.

I’ve got a lot of work to do in my healing process and I can’t keep forcing what’s not ready to happen yet. It’s making me feel shitty. Healing is going to happen in it’s time, but I need to be an active part in the process.

So, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to give myself an authoritative label on the recovery and healing process from abuse. I can give hope, inspiration, and encouragement through my healing journey, but that’s all I can offer at this time. I’m not ready to give more of myself than I even have to give. I still have so much healing to do. My wounds are incredibly deep. I’m not a victim anymore, that I know. I am a survivor, I know that too. But I am not thriving in my life. I am not Living Daily. I want to be, I aim to be, I will be, I’m just not today.

I’m going to take the time I need, I’m going to reinvent myself, I’m going to heal; and when I’m ready, I will come back with an arsenal of advice, guidance, suggestions, empowering stories, and I will be ready to help others fight their way through the healing process.

Until then I have no idea how often I will post, I have no idea what the subject matter will be when I do post.

Danielle Curtis, just a girl trying to make it