I Need to Get Back Up

I’ve been a bit off all day. I woke up feeling pretty good and proud of myself for going to bed at 9pm and sleeping until about 5:30am. As the day went on I progressively started to sink into some sort of weird funk (this isn’t terribly uncommon, but I can mask it well).

I’m tired, not necessarily lacking sleep tired, but emotionally exhausted. I don’t do the things I want and need to do. Instead I watch shows/movies on my laptop or surf the web. I don’t even blog much anymore. It’s like I have nothing to say. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me that continues to hold me back. I’m alive but I am not living.

When I get home tonight, instead of sitting down with my laptop for another couple of hours, I am going to sit with myself. I’m going to give myself the time and attention I clearly need to figure out what is standing in my way. I dip in and out between my functional adult, my adaptive child, and my wounded child. Lately my functional adult seems to be taking a back seat more often than I would like. I need to figure out why the other two are in control, how to get them in the back seat, and bring my functional adult to the drivers seat. If you have an understanding of these three roles then you more than likely have an understanding of how incredibly difficult this can be.

My hope is that if I allow myself to be open with myself, to be kind, patient, and gentle with myself, that I will let myself in so I can begin to process through whatever this is. So rather than listening to guided meditations I am going to sit in silence with myself and reflect on what it is I am feeling and why. Then I can bring that to my wonderful therapist and with her guidance I can process through it.

I can’t stay here, I need to get back up.

-Dani

 

Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

Then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet

My entire life I’ve felt like a failure, a disappointment. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough. I felt like I had no voice and that anything I had to say was insignificant.

I was never good at anything, except fucking up of course. I was an expert in that area. I hated school, skipped every chance I got and quit when I was 16. I started smoking pot when I was 15; cigarettes when I was 12. An extended family member gave me my first beer when I was like 8. Drinking didn’t become a regular thing until my early teen years though.I was in trouble with the law from 15 until nearly 18. Just petty small stuff. Turns out if you do enough petty small stuff, it will land you in juvenile detention (which I completed successfully, with the exception of a few fuck ups).

It feels like no one in my life has ever taken me seriously. Do you know what that’s like? To have goals, hopes, dreams and to feel like no one cares? Like no one supports the life you’re working towards? To speak words and have a complete understanding that the words coming out of your mouth are falling on deaf ears? To know that sound is coming from your mouth but you have no voice. Do you know what it is to feel like you don’t matter?

It’s like a bar has been set and I’ve been set-up to fail.

I have to start facing how broken I am. I can’t keep hiding behind pretend rainbow and butterfly emotions. You’ve heard the expression “fake it til you make it”? Well, I call bullshit on that. Who came up with that? In what world is it healthy to pretend like everything is great and bury all the hurt and pain? It’s like a band-aid waiting to fall off the second it gets wet. Shit needs to be processed not buried deep down festering quietly like the calm before the storm. No one is truly happy shoving their emotions down, and if you claim to be, then your band-aid just hasn’t gotten wet yet.

Come hell or high water I’m gonna beat this shit. I’m going to heal these open wounds. I know there will always be scars that remain but, like any wound, the hurt will subside as it heals.

I have a voice. I am intelligent. What I have to say matters. I matter. I will not be stepped on, walked on, or walked over. I’m done feeling like a nobody.

Dani