Dark Dirt Road

It was late, after 11pm. I don’t recall the day or month, but it was winter. We were in his dad’s mini van.  He had dropped off everyone else and it was just the two of us. We were maybe a half mile away from my house when we dropped the last person off. At the crossroad he turned left instead of right to go to my house. He said he forgot about something he needed to do quick and that he would drop me off after that. He said it shouldn’t take long.

He drove down a dark dirt road to a secluded area with no houses nearby. He pulled off on the side of the road. He got out of the van, walked around to the passenger side, he opened my door and locked it, then opened the back door and locked that one as well. I remember thinking, at the time, “why is he locking the doors and what could he possibly have to do out here before bringing me home?” After he returned to the driver’s seat it did not take me long to figure out what he needed to do before bringing me home. It was me. He needed to do me before bringing me home.

As he sat in the driver’s seat rolling on the condom, I sat in the passenger seat trying to figure out how the hell I got myself in this situation and why similar situations seemed so recurring in my life? And why the hell did he lock the doors? Did he think I couldn’t get out of a vehicle that was locked from the inside? Was he trying to lock out the animals that lived in the woods? I was so confused and my mind was spinning for an answer, a solution. How the hell was I going to handle this? What the hell do I do?

Side note We had dated briefly the year before when I was 16 and he was 18. There had been nothing between the two of us since, except hanging out on occasion due to mutual friends. 

I knew there were very few outcomes as to how this was going to end. It was a cold night and being a stubborn teen I didn’t have a coat with me. So there I was, stuck on a dark dirt road, in the middle of nowhere, middle of winter and no damn coat. Running didn’t seem like a safe option. Not that staying with him did either, but I wouldn’t freeze to death in the woods if I stayed in the van. What I concluded for sure was that his plan was to have me one way or another. He lied to me to get me out there, alone. He was not going to let me go easily.

There was no way in hell I was going to let him take what he wanted by force. I refused to give him that kind of power. I reasoned with myself, the best I could in a situation like that. I decided that, although I did NOT want to have sex with him, I had had sex with him in the past and if I just do it this one last time I will never have to spend time with this prick again and I could get home safely without being a victim of rape.

So we fucked in the driver’s seat of the van, on the side of a dark dirt road in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods and freezing temps. When he finished with me I returned to the passenger seat. Neither of us spoke a word to each other while he drove me home. When I got out of the van I said nothing. I shut the door and never looked back. He knew I knew what had just happened. I had just been raped and he had just gotten away with it because I agreed to go along with it rather than being forced, torn, bruised, beat, and having to relive that terrifying act over and over in my mind for the rest of my life.

I can still play that night back in my mind as though it was last night. I can remember what I felt. I remember the fear. I remember the nonverbal communication he gave me. I remember the look in his eyes. I remember feeling scared and panicked and fighting so hard not to let him see it. I remember what it felt like. I remember wishing he would just finish so it could be done and I could go home. I remember how dark it was and that the night seemed so still. As though time had stopped and waited for this “thing” to be done.

I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time and I’ve only told a few people since. Those few people blew it off like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing to me. It happened. I didn’t want it to happen, I wasn’t looking for it to happen, but it happened. I wanted to say no, but I was scared of what he would do if I did.

I was scared and alone.